Hmm...

DELETED BAHAHA

Say goodbye to love and hold your head up high!

I take for granted many of the simple things from day to day. No one stops anymore, not even for a second to realize what’s going on or appreciate little things. The world is so complicated these days and its moving non stop. What we forget is that the world never stops for us. The world doesn’t care what were going through, how were feeling, what we have to deal with, simple or hard, it just keeps going && we can’t stop it. So ultimately, we’re in this never ending battle with time. Everyone says “oh I don’t have time for this or that, there’s not enough time…etc etc.” We really do have all the time in the world, were just too busy to stop and see it. Work, School, family, personal relationships…It’s all so demanding sometimes && we can’t seem to get out of that cycle, its non stop! We all have lives, responsibilities; we don’t want to end up on the streets or anything like that. We need to take care of our selves, but we don’t have to forget our inner selves, who we are, where we came from, && especially the people most important in our lives. Having a career and a good life is also important to us, as well as the people we live with && share relationships with. Work, be successful, but don’t forget to stop every so often and take time for the other things in life. Beautiful sunsets, spending time with a loved one, even if its just watching a movie, going and hanging out with family, meeting up with an old friend, or even spending some alone time to relax, whatever it may be just remember life doesn’t always have to be the crazy cycle we make it into! I don’t know anyone who doesn’t want a successful life, we all want to live comfortable, yet some of us are still figuring out who it is we want to be in life or what we want to do with it. It took me a while to figure out what I wanted out of life and where I wanted to go, but now that I know it’s a whole lot better. And I’m realizing that I am not getting any younger, and I should take advantage of my education. Which is what I am now doing, I’ve dedicated myself to school and gave up some things to focus on that. I know in the end it’ll be better and I’ll have a better life, which is what I want. Sometimes we have to give up a little in order to gain a lot more in the long run. The reason I bring this up is because I have felt like I have been taking things for granted and just losing myself and forgetting about why I’m doing what I’m doing! Anyway ahhh! Okay just remember that with this a new year is upon us, so lets all just work hard and do amazing things for ourselves, and never, ever, give up!

"With more power, comes more responsibility."

Merry Christmas...or Not...

I know today is hard for a lot of people. For some of us, it may mean an anniversary of a loved one passing, or maybe we just have no family to spend it with and we are alone. I am sorry if this is the case, my sympathy goes out to you and I wish I could spend it with you. I lost my grandfather on Christmas day six years ago, I know the feeling of loss, especially on a day like today. My condolences go out to anyone who lost or has lost a loved one today.

My biggest condolences to my sister in law who I love so much. I'm so sorry about your loss Lady, I'm here for you, and I hope your grandfather rests in peace, he will be in my prayers.

December 25, 2009.

wtf, its christmas! where did this year go? sooo many things happened, i cant even begin to tell you about my event filled year. things happened though, good things, great things, bad things, sad things...i sound like a fuckin dr. sues book! haha. ok but, anyway, lots of things went on i wont get into them this isnt what this blog is about.

have you ever set yourself up or have gotten too happy too fast, just to realize that you might be letting yourself down. and then when you do find out youre right it sucks because you know it was coming. idk i was just thinking about these things randomly. i dont want to go into details or give examples, i know anyone reading this can apply their own experiences.

a day to be thankful. are we thankful or do we just expect things. or something, anything, i think we do. i want to meet someone who isnt like this. someone who knows what its all about and not expect any material thing, not cause they dont want anything but because the possession of anything wouldnt mean as much as just being with loved ones and spending time together, real quality time together, which most of us dont do every day. at least we can once a year, sometimes its not enough. maybe im just rambling.

"Close your eyes and don't let them say its over."

Many times we as a people, as a society, as...a world get caught up in ourselves, in work, school, love, hate, relationships, just anything. We get tied up and forget about different things...We lose sight of some of the things we were upset about or happy about or just distract us, maybe it's moments like these that we need, a good distraction. A good reason to forget why we are living and just live, not to worry about what's to come or what fears we have, but to just live in the moment and be happy, or at least content. I won't lie I'm a little afraid right now, because I don't know what to expect in things to come or even the new year, but at the same time I'm very excited as well. I am going to do a lot of things that I promised myself, slowly but surely I hope to get what I want done. This has truly got to be a new year for me, not just a new year because the calendar date is different. Anyway, for the the time being I am just going to focus on myself, I will let whatever is meant to happen, happen...Go with the flow if you will...

"The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive."

and in this moment i am happy...

idk how else to feel right now, ive given up on love, however, these two lovely children allow me to feel love for them and them for me...this i know for sure.

and in the brightest of light, i will not fall.

im going to dedicate this blog to my ex, i dont know if you read this or not. either way im doing it. for many reasons, the main one being i really need to just do it already and write down all the bull crap in my head in hopes it will lift some weight from my shoulders.

we had a long ride and at times id like to think it isnt really over, but i know it is. i am really shitty in many ways, ive been left to hurt and feel nothing but pain from everything that went on. you were right, its too soon, way too soon and in many instances the more i try to push my recovery to be faster the worse it becomes, so i wont be doing that anymore. i learned my lesson, i truly did. at times i hate you so much, so much that i feel if i ever saw you again id slap you right in your face for all the bullshit you allowed to go on and you know exactly what im talking about. however, i cant stay mad at the things i cannot control, or have no power over. i was here, i was always here till the very end. i was willing to give up everything for you and do whatever it took to make everything ok, to make everything work, no matter how bad it seemed, but in the end i guess that just wasnt good enough. you found someone 'better' and you went with it, it seemed like it didnt matter at all what feelings you had for me, you just brushed them aside and went with what was new and exciting, do you know how shitty that made me feel? how horrible it made you seem? love is very hard to come by and honestly, i gave you everything i had and more, i always said you werent ready for it or that no one could ever possibly love you as much as i did, sadly i still believe it. i hurt every day, and i dont want to admit it, but i still think about you every day, i hope that you are truly happy and that you are doing well for yourself, but i also hope that in some way you are suffering or at least did suffer the way i did, i know thats mean, but its what i think. ive gave up on so much since i lost you, i stopped caring, i gave up on love for the moment, i dont want it and i couldnt possibly think i would be in love again for a long time. my wounds are fresh and each day i am slowly recovering from them. i wish things could have played out differently, i wish we didnt break up, i wish a lot of things. sometimes i dont think you realize how much you hurt me, how broken i am right now. sadly enough if i had another chance id do it all over again because you meant everything to me, u were worth it. i feel like you are the one person who will always be my one person that no matter what, a piece of my heart will always belong to you. and i cant help but to have all this love for you. but at the same time i know thats really dumb of me to be saying, i know my feelings are still coming down off of your high. i hate you so much i cant express how much hate i have, but at the same time i dont know how to feel. if nothing else i just want my heartache to subside already, i know it takes time, and thats what im allowing, just for time to pass and let me move on. i know i did a lot of stupid shit after we broke up, all the trouble i might have caused or whatever, but it was what it was. but i think the saddest part is all that bullshit you pulled and you know exactly what i am talking about, i just wish you had the balls to at least speak for yourself. i think you at least owed me that. for now im just living my life moving on, slowly letting go of all that was me and you. i cant say anymore that i would like to be ur friend, because in a lot of ways i know that ship has sailed and im fine with that. i dont regret anything at all. i hope you have a good life, thats all i can wish you for now.

"I've learned never to be surprised if what must inevitably happen happens right now."

I've never been to Alaska, but I can tell you this...

At times I think to myself, "what's really going on, why am I doing this?" I can't really answer myself...I just do it...I tend to act on impulse many of times. I don't know what anyone wants me to tell them because, I don't know, I don't even know what I want from myself at times. I'm just here and thats the best I can say for now. My mind tends to wander, where? I don't know, many places I suppose. I don't really keep track anymore, I just go with it. All I know is I'm living one day at a time, I am not planning ahead, nor do I think I want to, I am just letting life lead me, but trying to at least make some right choices for myself along the way. I know many of us never really know what were doing, all we can do is just be grateful for all we have, after all, were not dead and things can be a lot worse...

"In life we all have an unspeakable secret, an irreversible regret, an unreachable dream and an unforgettable love."

Sometimes...

Life throws us curve balls that we are not really prepared for..but what can we do but keep going??

Angels say they can make you suffer, they give and take like a vicious lover.

"To live remains an art which everyone must learn, and which no one can teach."

"Charging, I'm a Robot."

Large: Do you lie a lot?

Sam: What do you consider a lot?

Large: Enough for people to call you a liar.

Sam: People call me lots of things.

Large: Is one of them liar?

Sam: I could say no, but how would you know I'm not lying?

Large: I guess I could choose to trust you.

Sam: You could do that?

Large: I could try...

Tonight was very interesting to say the least. I enjoyed it, but so many mixed emotions. At times people tend to forget or let go of thoughts in certain moments...I'm glad that didn't happen tonight.

"Life is a great big canvas and you should throw all the paint on it you can."

I don't like to share.

This is copying a little from my previous blog "where do you come from?" but this is my original writing on it. I would have put this to the other blog, but I just found this. This one is more accurate.

I come from a broken home with broken and selfish people. I come from a broken mother who finds it easier to lash out on her children than to own up to and admit her mistakes and responsibilities. I come from an alcoholic father whose life is seen through the countless number of empty beer bottles permanently glued to his hand. I come from a life that has kept me on my knees because I let it, because I was too afraid to stand up for myself. I come from broken siblings who are so self involved they don't see the troubles that truly lie ahead. I come from a dark and broken past that can never be repaired. I come from a life of self doubt and skepticism, a life of pity and shame. I come from broken people and broken places. However, I also come from my own beliefs and inspirations. I learn from myself and my own hopes, dreams, & aspirations. My own drive to now become something more that I thought was beyond me. I come from an unhappy home & a broken family, but although it is broken, they help me see that I will not settle for less, I will not settle for a life of mediocrity. I will continue to try no matter what. I cannot fail unless I give up, and I don't plan on giving up. I came from different cities, living off of whatever my mother would get working her minimum wage. I grew up playing in the late hours of the night, because we had no real boundaries we would sneak out every chance we got. Setting fields on fire to breaking into empty apartments and running wild with friends is where I came from. I come from physical and emotional abuse that no one should have ever had to suffer through. I come from a shitty childhood that I am no longer letting hold me back. Everything that has happened in my life up until now was meant to happen and has shaped me into who I am today. I guess overall I am just thankful for all the blessings I have and my faith that keeps me going every day. My name is Annie and I come from a fractured soul that is being repaired one day at a time.

"Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets."

"You fein this love then turn it away."

Sometimes it's hard to imagine your life any different than it is at any given moment. We all want it, we all crave for so much more than we already have. We guard ourselves so much that we forget to let go sometimes and let life take over as it may... Sometimes I feel so wrapped up in myself I forget to stop and look around for a bit just to see. I don't want to be one of the people who live their whole life, and feel they have nothing great or worthy enough to look back on and say it's been great, I wouldn't change a thing! Some feel they have lived their whole lives and still have to be so bitter, and sad thinking they have wasted their life, they forget about all the simple little moments. We can't forget about these moments, because really, these are the moments that get us through so much. For example, we get that call from someone, whoever it may be, telling us how great we did, or something along those lines. We spend a day with our niece's or nephew's and they run you tired at the end of the day, but you feel so great because you made them happy. Hanging with your friends comparing best embarrassing moments. Having someone bring you hot chocolate! It's the simple little moments that make life worth living. So don't be so down if you never save a life, win a national spelling bee, become head of your company, or even make millions of dollars. Life isn't about how much we attain, but more about the experience getting to where we end up at the end of our trip. Be grateful, you can't always want more than you already have, just be content with enough. You'll be a lot happier.

"Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian."

Don't throw your pear at me!!!

Tonight the most awesomest person brought me some hot chocolate. It was a nice surprise, well the fact that it was hot chocolate at least. I loooove hot chocolate, especially on nights like these. Thanks.

On another note, you know what I hate the most?! Crazy drivers, sometimes it's really like WTF are you doing?! Seriously!!! I'm not going to get into details because I can't stop once I start, but we all know what I am talking about. hmm anyway I don't have anything clever or insightful to write tonight, but I wanted to post something so there it is. Finals are next week so yup.

"Many times u cant find urself until u lose everything else"

She is...90210

I miss the times when I would have my older sister around. I would be playing and she would come and knock over everything I was playing with just to see me cry. Then hours later we would be coloring or doing something together not even thinking about how she was so mean to me. I miss running around outside in the sun, running through bushes as we played tag. I miss falling down and having my older sister pick me up and tell me i'll be okay. I miss the moments we would open up with each other and share our inner most feelings...

Unfortunately, I never had any of these experiences, I didn't grow up with my sister...When we did live together I was in high school and she got on my nerves more than half the time, but I guess it happens, you really can't have 2 girls under the same roof. I'll stick with the boys, at least I can push them around and they won't get all moody about it, they'll just fight back lol...

"It is not always easy to see the path you're on, but just remember as long as you keep going, it will always be there."

Where do you come from?

I come from sinners who came from saints. I come from a bottomless pit of angst, constantly filling me with nothing but bitterness and a new found sorrow for my once never so happy life. I come from a constant pain in my heart that only I may know and only I may cure. I come from the best people I know, who are consequently enough, the most dysfunctional I know as well. I come from a broken heart made by lies and deceit from a coward never worthy of my love, yet at the same time I would never change a moment of it's memories. I come from a home that knows no limits, no boundaries, no rules, no structure, and absolutely no motivation to be better, but to just settle, quit and accept mediocrity. I come from broken trust, broken promises, and lies stacked so high the first faint breath upon them could cause them to collapse. However, I also come from my own judgement and my lack of following crowds has helped me step outside of this all and really see things in my own perspective. I see that I am not like many around me, nor do I think, act, or feel the way others around me may. I have developed my own piece of mind and have become truly unique. The downfall is that sometimes I lose myself. Sometimes my anguish becomes so unbearable that I just...

Sometime it's easier to give up, to tap out and say I quit. But, is that what you really want, knowing you could have gone further and didn't? Knowing you gave up because...you couldn't find it in you to persevere through a little pain, push through some brick walls? Are we so inferior that we can't just realize our strength and give it our all. Many times it is easier said than done. Some of us can't find that fight in us, we wait around and expect things to come to us...Expect to win on some others terms. What we don't realize is that it's not about anything or anyone else but ourselves. It's about what we really want for ourselves, not what "they" want for us. How content would you be knowing you gave up even though you didn't want to? How proud would you be saying you only gave part of yourself to finish and not your all.

Maybe I can't see this in myself...Maybe it took me till now to finally realize I really need to take my own advice ;]

Or maybe, it's just me writing again...

"The purpose of life is a life of purpose."

The choices we make dictate the lives we live.

Today I woke up to a couple of text messages. They were from one of my best friends. He was asking me about a situation he was in and it inspired me to write this blog. I know I've already touched on it a bit in my previous blogs, but here we go.

Bare with me for a moment and take this scenario into consideration. You're in a relationship and you love this person. Things are seemingly well and you have little to no doubt about what you're doing in the relationship. However, your partner becomes distant and eventually asks you to "take a break"...You agree and begin to hang out with friends and such, but one of them is someone who you start to develop feelings for as more than a friend, but you never cross the line and cheat on your partner because you still love them and feel even though you're on a break you don't want anything to happen to lose their trust. You're confused, you don't know what to do. Moreover, you feed off affection and the feelings you have developed for this new person are strong and you don't want it to stop. But, you're stuck and don't know what to do...What do you do...?

I'm sure many of you would know exactly what to do or how to feel. It would be easy, but it isn't for everyone. We all handle and think things differently. My opinion on this situation is just this: it's a break, obviously for reasons both parties know. If new feelings are developed then who are we to fight them? I suppose it would be best to act accordingly if you would like and see what happens. Sometimes it's better to follow your heart than your mind. Sometimes easier said than done I know.

My friend, let me tell you this guy is awesome. He pretty much blows all other guys out of the water, puts them to shame. He works off his heart and not his mind or ego [at least thats how I see it]. Most just want in it for the sex or looks only, to be able to brag later and say "yeah I hit that!", but some aren't and its rare to find. Not only guys either, but a PERSON in general who can be like this. It is good when a person knows the right ways in which a person, anyone, should be treated and when you can learn to like, crush, love, and even appreciate someone for who they really are as a person and not as an object that's when you know you truly have a genuine person on your hands. Anyway this can go on forever and I don't really want it to. So, if you have anything you want to share as far as your opinion or anything, feel free to leave a comment or something.

"Expect nothing, live frugally on surprise."

<3

They say home is where the heart is...

this is where my heart is...

"I listen to the old nsync christmas album and eat twix when i need a release."

They make me feel just like this!!!

These two little monsters give me all the love and more that I could possibly imagine. I can't ever love them enough. Everything I need with love, I have right here. =]

Bwahaha! I love Sarah! Shes the coolest girl in the bay! She lets me hold onto her when we watch scary movies as I yell "OH SHIT!" bahaha, I get scared easily! So glad we met! It was love at first sight, and she totally took my sex jacket virginity!! Bwahaha! No matter what Angie thinks, it's true, don't hate!

So today brought about a great conversation and random memories of my grandfather who has since passed on, [RIP grandpa]. Random memory of our last Thanksgiving together was in 2003, we were at his house and he didn't like some of the food and said: "Oh syit, what kind ob party is dis ip you can't eben eat what you want!" as he lets the food drop out of his mouth, haha awe I miss him so much!

Today made me realize a few things. 1. I bitch and complain a lot. 2. People still surprise me and I like it. 3. It could always be much worse...Sometimes I should take my own advice, I've noticed a pattern of me loving to help people and encourage them, however, I never take my own advice, it's like oh well la la la I don't care...ugh. Anyway I had my emo moments earlier, but feel a lot better thanks to Alex. "Sometimes it's the simplest things that make the biggest impact."

"If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down."

"See I told you I had one..."

My niece shouts as she brings me a collection of classic cartoons on dvd her mom had bought for her. This is after I showed her the ones I bought for her, she replied no thanks, I have some at home. We were at my house, but then I took her home thinking nothing more on the matter. At her house we were sitting in the Theater room and out of nowhere she runs up showing me the dvd set saying "see I told you I had one!!!" Surprised, I didn't even realize she would remember this hours later. She always amazes me, she is a bright child and shows it everyday I am around her.

I just thought it was an interesting tale to share. I love this little monster.

"It doesn't matter how many say it cannot be done or how many people have tried it before; it's important to realize that whatever you're doing, it's your first attempt at it."

It is only when we have lost everything, that we are free to do anything...

After losing everything, it hasn't felt much like I'm free as that line promises. It has just caused more chaos and breathlessness, frustration, stress, etc. etc. I say this because sometimes we are bound by our thoughts, we want something so much yet we are afraid to go after it. We are afraid of rejection or the perception of others ill thoughts. I won't lie, there is something I want. Something I want a lot, but I'm too afraid to go after it and I feel like I'm stuck in this feeling and even though I want out, I won't do what I know I have to do to actually get out. I'm human, I'm afraid of what might happen, but at the same time, I'm curious to find out if I could be wrong about my guess as well. Ugh! I hate this, it's like I'm ten again.

What would you guys do? If you were crushing on someone and you knew that you wanted to say something, but you got the feeling that the feelings weren't mutual or that the person you are crushing on is interested in someone else and not really thinking about you the way you are thinking about them...Would you muster up the nerve to tell them or what?! Let me know I need some advice or at least some familiar encouragement on the situation.

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."

"Experience is not what happens to you; it is what you do with what happens to you."