Hmm...

DELETED BAHAHA

Say goodbye to love and hold your head up high!

I take for granted many of the simple things from day to day. No one stops anymore, not even for a second to realize what’s going on or appreciate little things. The world is so complicated these days and its moving non stop. What we forget is that the world never stops for us. The world doesn’t care what were going through, how were feeling, what we have to deal with, simple or hard, it just keeps going && we can’t stop it. So ultimately, we’re in this never ending battle with time. Everyone says “oh I don’t have time for this or that, there’s not enough time…etc etc.” We really do have all the time in the world, were just too busy to stop and see it. Work, School, family, personal relationships…It’s all so demanding sometimes && we can’t seem to get out of that cycle, its non stop! We all have lives, responsibilities; we don’t want to end up on the streets or anything like that. We need to take care of our selves, but we don’t have to forget our inner selves, who we are, where we came from, && especially the people most important in our lives. Having a career and a good life is also important to us, as well as the people we live with && share relationships with. Work, be successful, but don’t forget to stop every so often and take time for the other things in life. Beautiful sunsets, spending time with a loved one, even if its just watching a movie, going and hanging out with family, meeting up with an old friend, or even spending some alone time to relax, whatever it may be just remember life doesn’t always have to be the crazy cycle we make it into! I don’t know anyone who doesn’t want a successful life, we all want to live comfortable, yet some of us are still figuring out who it is we want to be in life or what we want to do with it. It took me a while to figure out what I wanted out of life and where I wanted to go, but now that I know it’s a whole lot better. And I’m realizing that I am not getting any younger, and I should take advantage of my education. Which is what I am now doing, I’ve dedicated myself to school and gave up some things to focus on that. I know in the end it’ll be better and I’ll have a better life, which is what I want. Sometimes we have to give up a little in order to gain a lot more in the long run. The reason I bring this up is because I have felt like I have been taking things for granted and just losing myself and forgetting about why I’m doing what I’m doing! Anyway ahhh! Okay just remember that with this a new year is upon us, so lets all just work hard and do amazing things for ourselves, and never, ever, give up!

"With more power, comes more responsibility."

Merry Christmas...or Not...

I know today is hard for a lot of people. For some of us, it may mean an anniversary of a loved one passing, or maybe we just have no family to spend it with and we are alone. I am sorry if this is the case, my sympathy goes out to you and I wish I could spend it with you. I lost my grandfather on Christmas day six years ago, I know the feeling of loss, especially on a day like today. My condolences go out to anyone who lost or has lost a loved one today.

My biggest condolences to my sister in law who I love so much. I'm so sorry about your loss Lady, I'm here for you, and I hope your grandfather rests in peace, he will be in my prayers.

December 25, 2009.

wtf, its christmas! where did this year go? sooo many things happened, i cant even begin to tell you about my event filled year. things happened though, good things, great things, bad things, sad things...i sound like a fuckin dr. sues book! haha. ok but, anyway, lots of things went on i wont get into them this isnt what this blog is about.

have you ever set yourself up or have gotten too happy too fast, just to realize that you might be letting yourself down. and then when you do find out youre right it sucks because you know it was coming. idk i was just thinking about these things randomly. i dont want to go into details or give examples, i know anyone reading this can apply their own experiences.

a day to be thankful. are we thankful or do we just expect things. or something, anything, i think we do. i want to meet someone who isnt like this. someone who knows what its all about and not expect any material thing, not cause they dont want anything but because the possession of anything wouldnt mean as much as just being with loved ones and spending time together, real quality time together, which most of us dont do every day. at least we can once a year, sometimes its not enough. maybe im just rambling.

"Close your eyes and don't let them say its over."

Many times we as a people, as a society, as...a world get caught up in ourselves, in work, school, love, hate, relationships, just anything. We get tied up and forget about different things...We lose sight of some of the things we were upset about or happy about or just distract us, maybe it's moments like these that we need, a good distraction. A good reason to forget why we are living and just live, not to worry about what's to come or what fears we have, but to just live in the moment and be happy, or at least content. I won't lie I'm a little afraid right now, because I don't know what to expect in things to come or even the new year, but at the same time I'm very excited as well. I am going to do a lot of things that I promised myself, slowly but surely I hope to get what I want done. This has truly got to be a new year for me, not just a new year because the calendar date is different. Anyway, for the the time being I am just going to focus on myself, I will let whatever is meant to happen, happen...Go with the flow if you will...

"The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive."

and in this moment i am happy...

idk how else to feel right now, ive given up on love, however, these two lovely children allow me to feel love for them and them for me...this i know for sure.

and in the brightest of light, i will not fall.

im going to dedicate this blog to my ex, i dont know if you read this or not. either way im doing it. for many reasons, the main one being i really need to just do it already and write down all the bull crap in my head in hopes it will lift some weight from my shoulders.

we had a long ride and at times id like to think it isnt really over, but i know it is. i am really shitty in many ways, ive been left to hurt and feel nothing but pain from everything that went on. you were right, its too soon, way too soon and in many instances the more i try to push my recovery to be faster the worse it becomes, so i wont be doing that anymore. i learned my lesson, i truly did. at times i hate you so much, so much that i feel if i ever saw you again id slap you right in your face for all the bullshit you allowed to go on and you know exactly what im talking about. however, i cant stay mad at the things i cannot control, or have no power over. i was here, i was always here till the very end. i was willing to give up everything for you and do whatever it took to make everything ok, to make everything work, no matter how bad it seemed, but in the end i guess that just wasnt good enough. you found someone 'better' and you went with it, it seemed like it didnt matter at all what feelings you had for me, you just brushed them aside and went with what was new and exciting, do you know how shitty that made me feel? how horrible it made you seem? love is very hard to come by and honestly, i gave you everything i had and more, i always said you werent ready for it or that no one could ever possibly love you as much as i did, sadly i still believe it. i hurt every day, and i dont want to admit it, but i still think about you every day, i hope that you are truly happy and that you are doing well for yourself, but i also hope that in some way you are suffering or at least did suffer the way i did, i know thats mean, but its what i think. ive gave up on so much since i lost you, i stopped caring, i gave up on love for the moment, i dont want it and i couldnt possibly think i would be in love again for a long time. my wounds are fresh and each day i am slowly recovering from them. i wish things could have played out differently, i wish we didnt break up, i wish a lot of things. sometimes i dont think you realize how much you hurt me, how broken i am right now. sadly enough if i had another chance id do it all over again because you meant everything to me, u were worth it. i feel like you are the one person who will always be my one person that no matter what, a piece of my heart will always belong to you. and i cant help but to have all this love for you. but at the same time i know thats really dumb of me to be saying, i know my feelings are still coming down off of your high. i hate you so much i cant express how much hate i have, but at the same time i dont know how to feel. if nothing else i just want my heartache to subside already, i know it takes time, and thats what im allowing, just for time to pass and let me move on. i know i did a lot of stupid shit after we broke up, all the trouble i might have caused or whatever, but it was what it was. but i think the saddest part is all that bullshit you pulled and you know exactly what i am talking about, i just wish you had the balls to at least speak for yourself. i think you at least owed me that. for now im just living my life moving on, slowly letting go of all that was me and you. i cant say anymore that i would like to be ur friend, because in a lot of ways i know that ship has sailed and im fine with that. i dont regret anything at all. i hope you have a good life, thats all i can wish you for now.

"I've learned never to be surprised if what must inevitably happen happens right now."

I've never been to Alaska, but I can tell you this...

At times I think to myself, "what's really going on, why am I doing this?" I can't really answer myself...I just do it...I tend to act on impulse many of times. I don't know what anyone wants me to tell them because, I don't know, I don't even know what I want from myself at times. I'm just here and thats the best I can say for now. My mind tends to wander, where? I don't know, many places I suppose. I don't really keep track anymore, I just go with it. All I know is I'm living one day at a time, I am not planning ahead, nor do I think I want to, I am just letting life lead me, but trying to at least make some right choices for myself along the way. I know many of us never really know what were doing, all we can do is just be grateful for all we have, after all, were not dead and things can be a lot worse...

"In life we all have an unspeakable secret, an irreversible regret, an unreachable dream and an unforgettable love."

Sometimes...

Life throws us curve balls that we are not really prepared for..but what can we do but keep going??

Angels say they can make you suffer, they give and take like a vicious lover.

"To live remains an art which everyone must learn, and which no one can teach."

"Charging, I'm a Robot."

Large: Do you lie a lot?

Sam: What do you consider a lot?

Large: Enough for people to call you a liar.

Sam: People call me lots of things.

Large: Is one of them liar?

Sam: I could say no, but how would you know I'm not lying?

Large: I guess I could choose to trust you.

Sam: You could do that?

Large: I could try...

Tonight was very interesting to say the least. I enjoyed it, but so many mixed emotions. At times people tend to forget or let go of thoughts in certain moments...I'm glad that didn't happen tonight.

"Life is a great big canvas and you should throw all the paint on it you can."

I don't like to share.

This is copying a little from my previous blog "where do you come from?" but this is my original writing on it. I would have put this to the other blog, but I just found this. This one is more accurate.

I come from a broken home with broken and selfish people. I come from a broken mother who finds it easier to lash out on her children than to own up to and admit her mistakes and responsibilities. I come from an alcoholic father whose life is seen through the countless number of empty beer bottles permanently glued to his hand. I come from a life that has kept me on my knees because I let it, because I was too afraid to stand up for myself. I come from broken siblings who are so self involved they don't see the troubles that truly lie ahead. I come from a dark and broken past that can never be repaired. I come from a life of self doubt and skepticism, a life of pity and shame. I come from broken people and broken places. However, I also come from my own beliefs and inspirations. I learn from myself and my own hopes, dreams, & aspirations. My own drive to now become something more that I thought was beyond me. I come from an unhappy home & a broken family, but although it is broken, they help me see that I will not settle for less, I will not settle for a life of mediocrity. I will continue to try no matter what. I cannot fail unless I give up, and I don't plan on giving up. I came from different cities, living off of whatever my mother would get working her minimum wage. I grew up playing in the late hours of the night, because we had no real boundaries we would sneak out every chance we got. Setting fields on fire to breaking into empty apartments and running wild with friends is where I came from. I come from physical and emotional abuse that no one should have ever had to suffer through. I come from a shitty childhood that I am no longer letting hold me back. Everything that has happened in my life up until now was meant to happen and has shaped me into who I am today. I guess overall I am just thankful for all the blessings I have and my faith that keeps me going every day. My name is Annie and I come from a fractured soul that is being repaired one day at a time.

"Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets."

"You fein this love then turn it away."

Sometimes it's hard to imagine your life any different than it is at any given moment. We all want it, we all crave for so much more than we already have. We guard ourselves so much that we forget to let go sometimes and let life take over as it may... Sometimes I feel so wrapped up in myself I forget to stop and look around for a bit just to see. I don't want to be one of the people who live their whole life, and feel they have nothing great or worthy enough to look back on and say it's been great, I wouldn't change a thing! Some feel they have lived their whole lives and still have to be so bitter, and sad thinking they have wasted their life, they forget about all the simple little moments. We can't forget about these moments, because really, these are the moments that get us through so much. For example, we get that call from someone, whoever it may be, telling us how great we did, or something along those lines. We spend a day with our niece's or nephew's and they run you tired at the end of the day, but you feel so great because you made them happy. Hanging with your friends comparing best embarrassing moments. Having someone bring you hot chocolate! It's the simple little moments that make life worth living. So don't be so down if you never save a life, win a national spelling bee, become head of your company, or even make millions of dollars. Life isn't about how much we attain, but more about the experience getting to where we end up at the end of our trip. Be grateful, you can't always want more than you already have, just be content with enough. You'll be a lot happier.

"Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian."

Don't throw your pear at me!!!

Tonight the most awesomest person brought me some hot chocolate. It was a nice surprise, well the fact that it was hot chocolate at least. I loooove hot chocolate, especially on nights like these. Thanks.

On another note, you know what I hate the most?! Crazy drivers, sometimes it's really like WTF are you doing?! Seriously!!! I'm not going to get into details because I can't stop once I start, but we all know what I am talking about. hmm anyway I don't have anything clever or insightful to write tonight, but I wanted to post something so there it is. Finals are next week so yup.

"Many times u cant find urself until u lose everything else"

She is...90210

I miss the times when I would have my older sister around. I would be playing and she would come and knock over everything I was playing with just to see me cry. Then hours later we would be coloring or doing something together not even thinking about how she was so mean to me. I miss running around outside in the sun, running through bushes as we played tag. I miss falling down and having my older sister pick me up and tell me i'll be okay. I miss the moments we would open up with each other and share our inner most feelings...

Unfortunately, I never had any of these experiences, I didn't grow up with my sister...When we did live together I was in high school and she got on my nerves more than half the time, but I guess it happens, you really can't have 2 girls under the same roof. I'll stick with the boys, at least I can push them around and they won't get all moody about it, they'll just fight back lol...

"It is not always easy to see the path you're on, but just remember as long as you keep going, it will always be there."

Where do you come from?

I come from sinners who came from saints. I come from a bottomless pit of angst, constantly filling me with nothing but bitterness and a new found sorrow for my once never so happy life. I come from a constant pain in my heart that only I may know and only I may cure. I come from the best people I know, who are consequently enough, the most dysfunctional I know as well. I come from a broken heart made by lies and deceit from a coward never worthy of my love, yet at the same time I would never change a moment of it's memories. I come from a home that knows no limits, no boundaries, no rules, no structure, and absolutely no motivation to be better, but to just settle, quit and accept mediocrity. I come from broken trust, broken promises, and lies stacked so high the first faint breath upon them could cause them to collapse. However, I also come from my own judgement and my lack of following crowds has helped me step outside of this all and really see things in my own perspective. I see that I am not like many around me, nor do I think, act, or feel the way others around me may. I have developed my own piece of mind and have become truly unique. The downfall is that sometimes I lose myself. Sometimes my anguish becomes so unbearable that I just...

Sometime it's easier to give up, to tap out and say I quit. But, is that what you really want, knowing you could have gone further and didn't? Knowing you gave up because...you couldn't find it in you to persevere through a little pain, push through some brick walls? Are we so inferior that we can't just realize our strength and give it our all. Many times it is easier said than done. Some of us can't find that fight in us, we wait around and expect things to come to us...Expect to win on some others terms. What we don't realize is that it's not about anything or anyone else but ourselves. It's about what we really want for ourselves, not what "they" want for us. How content would you be knowing you gave up even though you didn't want to? How proud would you be saying you only gave part of yourself to finish and not your all.

Maybe I can't see this in myself...Maybe it took me till now to finally realize I really need to take my own advice ;]

Or maybe, it's just me writing again...

"The purpose of life is a life of purpose."

The choices we make dictate the lives we live.

Today I woke up to a couple of text messages. They were from one of my best friends. He was asking me about a situation he was in and it inspired me to write this blog. I know I've already touched on it a bit in my previous blogs, but here we go.

Bare with me for a moment and take this scenario into consideration. You're in a relationship and you love this person. Things are seemingly well and you have little to no doubt about what you're doing in the relationship. However, your partner becomes distant and eventually asks you to "take a break"...You agree and begin to hang out with friends and such, but one of them is someone who you start to develop feelings for as more than a friend, but you never cross the line and cheat on your partner because you still love them and feel even though you're on a break you don't want anything to happen to lose their trust. You're confused, you don't know what to do. Moreover, you feed off affection and the feelings you have developed for this new person are strong and you don't want it to stop. But, you're stuck and don't know what to do...What do you do...?

I'm sure many of you would know exactly what to do or how to feel. It would be easy, but it isn't for everyone. We all handle and think things differently. My opinion on this situation is just this: it's a break, obviously for reasons both parties know. If new feelings are developed then who are we to fight them? I suppose it would be best to act accordingly if you would like and see what happens. Sometimes it's better to follow your heart than your mind. Sometimes easier said than done I know.

My friend, let me tell you this guy is awesome. He pretty much blows all other guys out of the water, puts them to shame. He works off his heart and not his mind or ego [at least thats how I see it]. Most just want in it for the sex or looks only, to be able to brag later and say "yeah I hit that!", but some aren't and its rare to find. Not only guys either, but a PERSON in general who can be like this. It is good when a person knows the right ways in which a person, anyone, should be treated and when you can learn to like, crush, love, and even appreciate someone for who they really are as a person and not as an object that's when you know you truly have a genuine person on your hands. Anyway this can go on forever and I don't really want it to. So, if you have anything you want to share as far as your opinion or anything, feel free to leave a comment or something.

"Expect nothing, live frugally on surprise."

<3

They say home is where the heart is...

this is where my heart is...

"I listen to the old nsync christmas album and eat twix when i need a release."

They make me feel just like this!!!

These two little monsters give me all the love and more that I could possibly imagine. I can't ever love them enough. Everything I need with love, I have right here. =]

Bwahaha! I love Sarah! Shes the coolest girl in the bay! She lets me hold onto her when we watch scary movies as I yell "OH SHIT!" bahaha, I get scared easily! So glad we met! It was love at first sight, and she totally took my sex jacket virginity!! Bwahaha! No matter what Angie thinks, it's true, don't hate!

So today brought about a great conversation and random memories of my grandfather who has since passed on, [RIP grandpa]. Random memory of our last Thanksgiving together was in 2003, we were at his house and he didn't like some of the food and said: "Oh syit, what kind ob party is dis ip you can't eben eat what you want!" as he lets the food drop out of his mouth, haha awe I miss him so much!

Today made me realize a few things. 1. I bitch and complain a lot. 2. People still surprise me and I like it. 3. It could always be much worse...Sometimes I should take my own advice, I've noticed a pattern of me loving to help people and encourage them, however, I never take my own advice, it's like oh well la la la I don't care...ugh. Anyway I had my emo moments earlier, but feel a lot better thanks to Alex. "Sometimes it's the simplest things that make the biggest impact."

"If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down."

"See I told you I had one..."

My niece shouts as she brings me a collection of classic cartoons on dvd her mom had bought for her. This is after I showed her the ones I bought for her, she replied no thanks, I have some at home. We were at my house, but then I took her home thinking nothing more on the matter. At her house we were sitting in the Theater room and out of nowhere she runs up showing me the dvd set saying "see I told you I had one!!!" Surprised, I didn't even realize she would remember this hours later. She always amazes me, she is a bright child and shows it everyday I am around her.

I just thought it was an interesting tale to share. I love this little monster.

"It doesn't matter how many say it cannot be done or how many people have tried it before; it's important to realize that whatever you're doing, it's your first attempt at it."

It is only when we have lost everything, that we are free to do anything...

After losing everything, it hasn't felt much like I'm free as that line promises. It has just caused more chaos and breathlessness, frustration, stress, etc. etc. I say this because sometimes we are bound by our thoughts, we want something so much yet we are afraid to go after it. We are afraid of rejection or the perception of others ill thoughts. I won't lie, there is something I want. Something I want a lot, but I'm too afraid to go after it and I feel like I'm stuck in this feeling and even though I want out, I won't do what I know I have to do to actually get out. I'm human, I'm afraid of what might happen, but at the same time, I'm curious to find out if I could be wrong about my guess as well. Ugh! I hate this, it's like I'm ten again.

What would you guys do? If you were crushing on someone and you knew that you wanted to say something, but you got the feeling that the feelings weren't mutual or that the person you are crushing on is interested in someone else and not really thinking about you the way you are thinking about them...Would you muster up the nerve to tell them or what?! Let me know I need some advice or at least some familiar encouragement on the situation.

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."

"Experience is not what happens to you; it is what you do with what happens to you."

"Annie! What the fuck are you doing?!"

My brother shouts in a split second as I smash into the back of some guy's car. Everything happened so fast, I couldn't even calm down to realize what had just happened. My first car accident, I never thought it would happen like that, I was going down the interstate 5 East highway, jammed packed with cars swerving in and out of lanes trying to get ahead faster, but really there was no where to go. A six hour drive turned into a ten hour drive. Traffic the entire way! Anyway, so the car accident happened, everyone was okay and the car wasn't damaged too bad so it was okay to keep driving home.

I spent the weekend in the bay, Thanksgiving dinner, spa craziness with the boys, hookah, vodka, scary movies, screaming, videos, pictures, megaphones, gay showers, crack in Oakland...I mean seriously, what more could I have asked for?! bahaha. It was fun while it lasted, but I am glad to finally be home, but not so happy about my car accident, but it will pass. I spent way too much money than I anticipated, ugh! However I loved the experience...Next time it will be accident free. bahah. Video coming soon. *-*

"Destiny is not a matter of chance. It is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved."

It's times like these...

When even the simplest gesture makes the biggest impact. I will come back to you in a few days with a new blog. Trust.

For now, Have a happy and safe Thanksgiving!!!

"Gratefulness is the key to a happy life that we hold in our hands, because if we are not grateful, then no matter how much we have we will not be happy because we will always want to have something else or something more."

Today

Just seems to keep getting worse and worse. I seriously just want to find a spot where no one can get to me and just stay there in isolation for a couple hours, yet, my phone keeps ringing and people keep bugging me. There are things I have to be doing so I can't just disappear right now sadly. =/

Lets hope I don't lose it by the end of the day.

"Even in the darkest of light, our faith & hope will see us through..."

"You got me wrapped around your finger, do you have to let it linger?"

Crushes!! Crushes!! Crushes!! We all have them, we all get one at one point or another and we all take them differently. Some of us crush so easy and fast, some are pretty hard and last for a long time before you even say anything to the person you have a crush on, that is, if you decide to say anything at all. why is it that human interactions are always the hardest, its like we would rather learn heart surgery than talk to the person we like the most or at least admit to them that we have a crush. However, it does suck when we are crushing so bad and so hard, but we know the other person just isn't interested, we feel rejection in a sense and depending who you are, it'll either be easy or hard to let that go. Sometimes it sucks because we develop crushes on friends and we tend to be afraid to ruin the friendship that we do not even attempt to say anything at all, but sometimes we do and depending on each individual it either goes, again, good or bad. Either way, crushes are just crushes, sometimes you get lucky and sometimes you don't, but sometimes you just wish this would work out for the best and you get to end up with your crush, meh! Good luck with your crush if you have one.

Remember, just don't be afraid to admit to your feelings, I always tend to think that as long as your honest and you go for it, and even if you fail you can say, "at least I tried." or something along those lines. What do we have to lose? Our pride? Lets just put that aside for a few moments and realize even if we do embarrass ourselves, life will go on, you won't die, you'll live to see tomorrow! So if you have the courage, just go for it! People always like to know they are liked, even if the feelings aren't mutual.

If you're sprung and you know the other doesn't feel the same, just let it go. You have a lot of others who would be willing or eventually will have a crush on you when you are crushing on them too. At least, thats the way I see it.

"Love is more than saying I love you..."

Really, over a parking spot?!

Seriously, when is enough enough? Okay, firstly, the only reason I am bringing up this topic in tonights blog is because it is so absurd that I cannot even believe it myself... Today I came home after class to my mom washing her car. She signals me to park on the street so she doesnt wet my car. I yell "oh come on!" just to mess with her. I get out and basically she tells me something or other along the lines of just don't park in the driveway anymore because Bryant's daughter is bitching and complaining, and that she had gotten into an argument over it. Saying, Bryant said that technically it is his daughters spot cause she parked there first. I'm like wow really, you guys are getting worked up over a parking spot?! REALLY?! It's nonsense! it's just a spot to park in, who cares, I don't! I got worked up ONLY by the fact that this girl doesn't stop, she has no life so she decides to do anything and everything else to cause trouble around our once not so chaotic home. She disrespects everyone in the house, including my mom and thats just not cool, but, at the same time expects everyone to respect her. Come on! She's a thirty year old leach, that sucks the life out of everyone in this house. She mooches off her dad constantly, and he is too much of a coward to say anything to her. I'm sorry, but it's true. She has no goals, no morals, no anything, she basically just wastes air. I know I'm old enough too here as I still stay with my mom, but I don't beg her for money, I don't ask for favors, I do what I can to help her out with anything she needs and on top of that I am going to school full time, I'm a starving student if you will. I appreciate that I still get to stay at home, unlike this girl who just takes everything for granted, who constantly is saying ill things about my family and will do anything to make someone else's day just as miserable as she is. I'm not trying to say our actions and thoughts about her wouldn't be different if she was a little more respectful of everyone around the house, because they would if she acted civilized. However, she is always coming up with something to cause my mom and her dad to fight, or to get my younger brothers into trouble. It's not right and I refuse to have any association with a person like that. Especially one who is thirty, living off of her dad, and has no intention of working, going to school or doing something with her life. All she does is cheat the law, mooch off her dad, bring her dead beat boyfriend around that probably sells drugs as he has had numerous people come to OUR house looking for him, it's fucking unsafe, but she doesn't care, she doesn't have the right mind to care. Everything will fall down on her soon enough and when it does, I won't be surprised, she will deserve everything she gets. Then maybe she will regret coming into my family's home and treating us all like inferiors, but even that I don't expect of her. Sadly, some people just have no sense.

I ran away to tell the world.

"Don't spend your whole life waiting for your whole life...thinking that it's over."

If we are all just living to die or dying to live, then why is it that we spend the majority of our lives WISHING we had done something different, or taken that extra step, but didn't? Life is out there, so lets fucking take advantage, lets stop wishing and start doing. In the wise words of Diddy, LETS GO!!!

"I think were moving to fast..."

Let me start with a short introduction on how I decided to write this particular blog tonight...

I came home to my brother following me into my room, sitting on my bed and saying he has something important to talk to me about..."Annie, I feel bad for this girl" he states. Why? I ask, not really interested in what he is saying as I am unpacking my things from spending the weekend at my brothers house. He replies, "she sent me this text, saying something or other along the lines of she really likes me and thinks about me a lot." ... So, I come back with: "well what's the problem, you don't like her back or what?" As he pipes back, "No, I do, but theres someone else..." He's troubled, wants to know what to do or what I think in general about the whole situation. My main response was basically along the lines of, well if you're okay with hurting her feelings and all then no thats not bad...He said not to make him feel worse! Haha, okay so... I don't know or really care what he plans to do, but it raised interest in my head to write about situations like this.

Infatuation - Noun - A foolish, unreasoning, or extravagant passion or attraction.

Many people often confuse love and infatuation. I'm always interested in how people fall in love or whatever they tend to fall into and move so quickly. Often times I wonder how the minds of some people work in comparison to my own. I have to remind myself that just because I think and perceive things a certain way doesn't mean everyone or even anyone does as well. Alright, back on track here. There are just so many things running around in my head, it's so busy up there. I see so many things go on and have had some experiences myself, but, sometimes, more often than not, we tend to let ourselves get ahead in the sense that when we find someone that we connect with and feel that there's a remote chance that there could be something more, we feel so elated and high on the feeling. We begin to move so quickly that we do not see or realize our actions in the process. We lose sight of reality and don't stop to really ask ourselves what's going on? We want it all and we want it now. You all know what I am talking about, so my real question is, what happens when that high is gone?! What happens when the things you liked most just blend into one another now and you start seeing things or seeing parts you don't like or really hate about this person you were once so INFATUATED with? You now have this piece of you that you gave up, the part where you know it's going to take a lot more than just a simple goodbye to move on. But, why can't it be that easy? Because you have invested so much time into making something so simple into something so complicated, you have tangled feelings, emotions, time, and even your heart into what may turn out to be something you don't want to suffer through again, because, as you have told yourself time and time again you don't want to put yourself in such situations again where you're up for offerings of getting hurt. However, every time, you do it, you claim this person is the exception, this is the one who is different, this is the one...That may be, but at the same time, how can you know for sure? I guess that's something you have to figure out on your own. So what happens after the high? For most, nothing, I would suppose it ends there...But, for some, I would think that maybe just maybe it's worth the time, to continue on with whatever it is they have, to work towards wherever they want to be with each other. I think the real love comes after the infatuation, after the excitement and after everything has fallen away and you can still say with honesty that you are still truly happy and you would do anything and everything it takes to make it last with your person of interest. What is love, but, loving unconditionally with no expectations of anything in return.

Many of us want to be loved in return. Which, I would have to say is very selfish of us. This world is so screwed up. Nothing is ever what it seems anymore. I thought I was in love once and at times, still think about it and how I really feel about it all, but my anger and hate for the whole situation will not let me perceive things in neutral light. There are no guarantees in life, not by a long shot. The best we can do is hope and pray for the best. We are all free and old and wise enough to make the right choices we feel are good enough for ourselves and if not well just go into the woods and wait to die! Haha.

Furthermore, let us all just be exactly what it is that we want to be, but have been too afraid to admit to. Life is far too short to be living by anyone else's notions but our own.

"Live long and prosper."

your words are like knifes...

At times we reflect and other times dwell. Sometimes, we tend to think about the things that hurt us the most. Someone that hurt us, either, physically or emotionally. Often more times than none, we think about these things, not to cause more pain to ourselves, but to... well sometimes yes to cause more pain, or to remember why we are mad, or angry and to stay that way. Or just for no other reason we can concoct in our head that seems logical enough as to why we are thinking such things. We do it till we get that lump in our throat, that pain in our stomach and that slight loss of breath, that when we think about it, it's as if we stop breathing for just a moment. So much so that we may shed a little tear and then remember we are not supposed to waste feelings on such things...

Why Annie, why are you writing about this? Well I will tell you all. Tonight, as I was online, some thoughts running through my head...I was sad because I missed something, well, I thought I missed something, I became overwhelmed as I sent "sometimes its still hard to think of all that you once had, and realize you just dont have it anymore..." to twitter as one of my many tweets. It's true you know, tell me you have never done this before, that you've never thought about something, and even for a moment felt heavy, because you know it's all gone, even though you thought at one point you would never ever lose it. Poof! Just like that it is no more... Just like that, how is that possible? How? I guess we ask many questions like this, but we seldom ever get the answers we'd like. Instead, we come to our own realizations and answers that usually seem to settle and put us at ease. As people, we must learn many things in life and go through certain events that we will not like, but in this, we learn about ourselves, we find the person, the real person inside of us and wonder how we could have been so foolish. We move on... Relationships, of any kind, come in and out of our lives and the best we can do is just go along with the ride until the next one begins. We shouldn't sit around and dwell, stress and complain about the things in which we cannot control. My friend once told me that just because you let go, doesn't mean you have to forget and the sooner you can let go, the sooner you can move on. I think she was right, thanks Marina ;] I guess sometimes it's just better to let go and enjoy everything for what it was and just let the past be exactly what it is...the past. We are not getting any younger, so lets just live and let live. There should be no wonder about the rest, just let it flow.

"Everything thats supposed to happen, will happen."

I will just leave it at that...

"This isn't easy for me..."

I've spent twenty-five years of my life making mistakes, learning from them, growing, changing, and wishing I hadn't and sometimes had taken that chance/risk/dare/feeling/etc etc. But, I sit here and continue to live, breathe, change, grow and learn from the ever growing experiences in my life. sadly, I've yet to set in stone a purpose in my life, a firm straight line in which I will know leads me to my destiny. However, I doubt thats what I really want or need at this point, it may seem like it to others, but, I suppose the way I am going is the way that is meant for me. I'm going, so in my eyes I am succeeding. "You can't fail if you don't give up" a line in which I've taken to heart since hearing. I believe it.

So what is the point in this Annie? I hear you asking me this already. I guess my point in starting this blog is because I have a mind, I have thoughts and experiences that I suppose I can share with whoever reads this. IDK! A friend commented I don't reveal much about myself, so maybe thats another reason. I suppose to get inside my thoughts, is through my writing. I have a lot to share and maybe theres some experiences that should not go to waste, events that have taken place, memories that will not be forgotten, future events we pray for, moments that take our breath away, moments when were so low not even the happiest face can cheer us up, and even simple moments that need a place, maybe that place is here.

So read if you want...If not, oh well.

When I write, I tend to be the most honest and pure, I say exactly what I want to say and how I want to say it. So if you read my thoughts, you have to be willing to have an open mind.

Enjoy...