you never hear the truth, you hear what you want.

i hate when you talk to someone and they arent really listening to you, just hearing what they want, whenever they want. i swear you could be talking to them in front of their face and they just arent hearing it. not because they are ignoring you, but they are seriously so wrapped up in themselves or what they are doing or just dont care they wont hear you at all! but when you mention one word that grabs their attention they are all in the business! its like you have to slap them to get some sort of reaction! haha at least i would! or when someone has a mindset that they are always right and no matter what reasoning you give them it doesnt matter cause they just dont want to hear it, and they laugh off anything that you throw at them, or simply "pshhah" it! haha i hate that word! its annoying! but yeah. well yeah just wanted to share those two things. bahah

Don't question me while I'm questioning you!

It's funny how you look back on a lot of things. How you changed, how you see things now as opposed to before. You remember how simple things used to be, how easier it was to just be a kid or teen, and run around with really no care at all. All the dumb things you did & how funny it was at the time, but when you think back its like, "shit I could have really gotten hurt!". I guess that's what its all about growing up, making mistakes and learning from them, having "innocent" fun and just running wild. Everything just seemed so easy and careless. Unless of course you were forced to grow up fast and miss out on a lot of what it means to be a child...*shrugs* it happens, but I won't touch that topic right now, maybe in another blog.

Have I talked about second chances yet? I can't remember so I want to touch on it for a minute...What do you think about it? Does a person deserve a second chance? & I'm not talking about petty things for second chances, not like oh he cheated on a test should he get a second chance? Ah [in the wise words of V] Suck it!! I'm talking about real life this person screwed me over second chances. Come on people wake up! Ok, seriously, let me put you in a scenario and you tell me what YOU would do!... Lets say you're living with someone and its all fine whatever, but after a while u find out they have a few problems, they drink too much, they bring random drugged up people home and are just overall fucking up, not even worth anything and then they start causing problems. Like not paying rent anymore, starting arguments, just your typical asshole. Lets say over time with all these problems arising, they end up getting into an argument and basically cussing out your significant other and basically kicking you out, choosing drugs and a life of shame over everything else. Do they deserve a second chance? Is it possible for a person to change their ways to such an extent that this can be forgiven? In my opinion no fuck them you know, why should anyone care so much to give a person like this a second chance? They didn't care to treat you like shit before, why should you care now? I know a lot of you might think this is pretty heartless, but screw that. I seriously can go on forever, but I don't want to be here all night...

Ok, last thing...I'm really tired of so much bullshit being on my mind lately, seriously it's just driving me crazy, but I'd say I'm pretty good at not letting it show. I don't want to feel anxious all the time, like I'm not doing anything right or that there's something that I should be doing and not actually doing it...idk what that is though! I'm just trying to get by right now, as in finish school and keep on living, I mean what else is there to do? Idk look at me however you want, I'm just tired of always being tired with myself, lately one of the big helps I've had getting away from all the shit in my head is because of my friend veronica, had I not met her, well lets just say I'm really glad I have her to talk to these days and hang out with, it's refreshing to have someone like her on my side. School starts soon, and I'm praying I go all in this semester and not drop one class, cause if I can it'll hopefully mean my last full semester before I can transfer and I will be soo happy about that, so lets just keep our fingers crossed.

"People of mediocre ability sometimes achieve outstanding success because they don't know when to quit. Most men succeed because they are determined to."

Why is being nice so hard?

Seriously, think about the last time you wanted to be nice to a sibling, but you couldn't do it. You just wanted to be an asshole instead, come on admit it, shit, I'll say it right now...Sometimes its hard for me to be nice, mostly with my siblings in particular. I don't know why this is though. Being an asshole is easy, I know a lot of you will agree with me, go head deny it, but in your head you know I'm right, even if it's just you being an asshole for a short period of time, or seldom ever. You're still an asshole so just admit it! Why does it take so much to be nice or want to be nice to someone, or do a good thing. Dropping a dollar or two into the donation thingy, come on, were like oh no way I'm poor myself, or something stupid along those lines...Hmm are you that poor? Are you starving for days at a time between meals? Are you shivering your ass off from lack of clothes or a warm place to live? Yeah, I didn't think so. So why? Are we so caught up with ourselves that we can't even do simple favors for friends anymore. Complaining to pick up a friend for band practice, being an asshole about it, bitching about how you have to pick up your friend, thats fucked up! Maybe in all that time you were bitching you could have just picked up your friend and had it done and out of the way. That, by the way, is a real example taken from one of my friends earlier.

Another example is one of my brothers, he is just an asshole all around. He only thinks about himself and could care less how good he could be to others. He acts as if it doesn't concern him then why should he care, why should he care to help someone else out, but expects the world to stop when he needs help. This I hate soooo much, not just from him but others like him. It's like we have enough hate and anger in the world already why keep it in our daily lives.

Relationships are another example, I hate how selfish some relationships can be. I cant even think of any damn examples but I'm sure you can fill in the blanks. Even in people passing, people always say, "I wish I could have spent more time with them." or "I don't want him to die." These may seem like normal things to say, and they very well may be, but, for me it is just very selfish of someone to say. Wanting to keep them alive because YOU this and YOU that, we can't be so selfish and keep people when it is there time to pass, or leave, not even in death either, I'm talking now about in any situation. It is too much of a world of ME. I want a world of WE, it makes me sad that more people don't have the heart to care for anything really other than themselves. I won't lie I can be very selfish at times myself, and very much an asshole, but for the most part, I feel I have a good heart and if you know me personally I think you would see that. Lets stop being assholes.

"Never mistake knowledge for wisdom. One helps you make a living, the other helps you make a life."

ok ok ok

Seriously, sometimes people confuse me.

I hope Ronzie is okay. I've been worried. I just want her to be alright again.

School soon again. I have to pick it up this semester, its pretty big.

Millions of thoughts in my head right now, don't know which way to go as of the moment.

Lately I've felt on edge, some people confuse me, again I say. As of the moment though, I am pretty content with my friends and such. I am mostly thinking about the things I need to get done. School is the biggest thing right now, basically this last semester I have, it's a lot, hopefully I can get through it I am going to do my best seriously, I just have to suck it up and get through it.

"Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections, but instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew."

and all thats left are ashes...

Ex's can be a horrible cumbersome at times. Sometimes you get the ex's that are just mean and will do anything to make you feel like shit. Either way we have to learn to accept things and move on. While it is one of the hardest things to do, we never seem to have an abundance amount of strength to get through each day, its up and down, minute by minute, day by day. Some can get over something so big faster than others. We cry and we talk to friends as we seek comfort. The hardest part of breaking up is getting your shit back. So, what is it that you do with your ex's things when they don't want it back or you have it and you want to get rid of it? You don't want to see that shit around your room and have it randomly make you sad...

Last night Ronzie and I dealt with it in a not so uncommon way I'd say, we burned it...& seriously, it felt really good to let go of it all.

"My great concern is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with your failure."

"Will your heart still race for me, or will it march to a new beat?"

Our minds are powerful tools. The mind can trick us and get many of us into certain situations better left untouched, as well as better situations. Most times we use basic common sense to make decisions, other times we are torn, we do not know which way to go or what to decide for the life of us. I'm tired of some instances where I let my mind win, even though I know my heart is in the right place, my mind gets a hold of me and possesses me in such a way that I am paralyzed, I let it win, take over and be still me. Stunned in my place I take the leave, not even turning back, yet cursing and hating myself the entire time for taking that exit, the easy way out. I'm not afraid, but when my mind gets a hold of me, it's as if I'm a five year old frozen in my place facing the two headed monster, which is really some good for nothing kid named bob in a play characters outfit trying to entertain me and other children. I envy those less frightened bastards, not because they have the courage to keep going and not let bob scare them, but because that leaves less of them by my side. Leaves me feeling alone and empty, I want to be running around too. Why can't I? what's holding me back, I'm free I know I can do it, I ask myself these questions when I don't muster up the courage to run with the others, or even on my own for that matter. I feel like moving my legs, but I don't, I can't, in my head I am running, sprinting, but the reality is when I look down, I am still in the same place. I am sick of this place, It will be the death of me trying to get away, I've spent my entire life doing this, it's very much like clockwork now, I want to break that cycle now. I don't know what the hell took me so long, I'm very weary of it now, it's past due at this point for me to be leaving this all behind me. What you ask, well if you know me, you may have a hint of what I am talking about, but if not...well, it's really just a battle within myself that you need not worry about really. It's like pushing boulders, yeah...

"Great changes may not happen right away, but with effort even the difficult may become easy."

Wow.

Tonight brought a couple things to mind that I will begin to share with you all here. First, I found out my niece wants to move back out here with us. Saying she needs to change, wants to change, and also wants structure. Hmm, that make me think, it made me think if she was being honest and truly wants to change for once. While she is still very young, it just makes me think how serious she is. Anyway enough of that...

I hate when a person tries to be so serious and no one takes them seriously, or see's what they are trying to do. It is one thing to hear a person, but a completely different thing to actually listen to them. Have the dignity to actually hear them out, listen to whats really going on and take some fucking courage to face up to whats happening. If you're doing something and you're in it for certain reasons, then nothing, NOTHING, should get in the way of that. No excuses, no whining, no bullshitting. If you're in it, be in it to win it. Don't let bullshit things get in the way, don't let anyone hinder your feelings, if people don't get you, let them go. Move on and find others who will be in it as much as you are if you have to. And if you're sticking around for all the wrong reasons, have the decency to leave, be practical, don't drag something on for longer than it has to be. Make changes you want to see happen. Everything thats meant to happen will happen. I feel none of us will truly make it where we want to be unless we know that we are in it for all the right reasons. That no matter what we will continue to push and give it all we have to get there. Even if it's alone.

Sometimes it's really hard to let go, of anything, we don't know how or where to start. At times it feels like the hardest thing we have to do. We know we have to, so why do we drag it on for so long? .....

"Are there any aminals in here?"

So hmm I've been lacking in good blogs lately. There are some in my head, just gotta get them out, but not tonight, I have to let it simmer. Tomorrow I will come back and hopefully have something good.

Sometimes we have to do what we know we have to do but are to scared to actually do...Ronzie, you bitch! DO IT!

"Life is an incurable Disease."

2010, you decide.

At times we all try to be the best person we can be. We do things and say things that we feel will help others, true or not, they help and sometimes they don't. A person can't expect someone else to always see eye to eye with them, we all have our own point of views on situations and different experiences and ideas from growing up, things we are accustomed to if you will. We don't expect anyone to know the feeling, sometimes others may have related experiences and some not. People deserve the best in my opinion, even if the best just means the simple things in life. No one ever deserves to be treated like shit or taken down any pegs, its wrong and anyone who does it, really, really has no heart or sense of compassion. Also, they most likely only care about themselves. I say this because at the same time the person on the receiving end of some of the madness is too blind to see that they shouldn't be with this person and they keep going back and forgiving them..It is not how it should be. However, "we can lead a horse to water, but we cant make it drink" I will stick to this analogy. Anyway this blog is all over, but I am just recording my thoughts as they make their way out of my head and onto this post.

I hope 2010 will truly be a new start for everyone who needs one. Stick with your decisions, and don't give up.

"The best way to love is to love like you have never been hurt."