=/

im so fucked up its not even funny. i need to start over

uhm..

"I have a question: in relationships is there ALWAYS going to be one person that likes the other person more and if so, which side is better to be on??" -M.J.

Alright so I suppose I want to touch on this topic, give my "two cents" if you will. I guess I can agree that theres someone in each relationship that loves/likes more than the other. Personally I can say I was once the one who loved/liked more. I can say from this experience it sucks and hurts more to be on this side, as opposed to the one who likes less. Why? Because it fucking hurts in the end to know you loved them more than them you. Makes you feel like they were just settling for you, you were a momentary decision, and never expected to keep. I heard different opinions like, "its unhealthy" and "relationships are give and take". Both along with many others have a lot of validity to them. I also believe it is just whatever you think as a person, whatever "works" for you, because honestly, there is no right or wrong answer for this question. It can be unhealthy to love too much because in the end theres a chance you'll get hurt. But then again how else would we love but with everything we  have? [or like] it's pointless to me to do it any other way. Ok theres times when we sort of like someone, but we have to warm up to them, we grow to like them as much as we do. Maybe you have so much to give that the other person can't keep up, doesn't mean they don't like you or love you. If so, that would be really fucked up to just lead someone on because you want to spare their feelings. Don't do this, please. The last thing you want to do in my opinion is try and play the savior and drag someone along because you are afraid to hurt them, trust me you are hurting them so much more by doing this. Let them go, tell them you're done, whatever you have to do. Just don't keep hope in them when theres no reason. No relationship is balanced, because no two people are the same. You like someone because of what they have to offer, they make you laugh or have similar values, they listen to you, etc, etc. Whatever the case may be theres always going to be differences, they will always let you down in one way or another, but it's something you deal with because every relationship is fucked up, theres always going to be a mess, but true love comes when you still want to be with them after the mess. No one will ever live up to what we want them to be, no one will ever be "perfect" for us. Hmm, to always over analyze things, I guess could mean you're trying to find fault, something you can complain about, is that really how anyone should live? You take the bad with the good, thats a given. Both parties have to genuinely care about the other, it shouldn't matter who likes/loves who more than the other, as long as it's there thats all that should matter. But again life is all around us, even when you think you know a person it could turn out you really don't. I suppose this only applies to when were cheated on or whatever else have you. But again we can't expect anyone to be a certain way, because we are always changing. Or maybe they lost whatever spark they had for you in the first place their time with you is done, which, no, im not giving cheating in any way and excuse, if youre done, then youre done, you should always be upfront about that and end it. Anyway straying too much. Again, in the end its all how you want to deal/think about it all. If it works it works, if not well you know you have to make some changes. If everything was always fine and "normal" and just the same and you knew exactly what to expect, wouldn't you get bored and want something new? I'm not saying go out and cheat, but maybe thats why every relationship has its difficulties, differences, etc. At the end of the day you already know, you really do. But sometimes it's hard to face the truth. Love isn't a fairytale and I can tell you theres hardly ever a happy ending.  It's what you make it, live in the moment and enjoy it. If you can't, I suppose all I can say is have fun being miserable all the time. 


"Pure love produces pure nonsense."

Imaginary Enemy.

BLAH

I've had an array of mixed emotions lately, I know, I know array and mixed pretty opposites, but nonetheless they were mixed but in order, if that makes sense, oh well doesn't have to lol. Well in a sense of mixed because theres just different things on my mind, but anyway this has gone on long enough. Anyway, I've been thinking about so much lately, and I guess I will try to use this blog to sort some thoughts out in my head. I was talking to a friend today and she mentioned how hard it is to get over her ex. Which brought about a lot of thoughts on the subject. Why is it so hard to let go sometimes, even when it should have been done so long ago? People cling, they remember, they anticipate the best when all they should expect is the worst from their ex. They hold on to memories that are good and don't see how horrible its making them feel. Why do we want so much to hold onto something or someone that isn't there anymore, especially when the other person could care less. We can't get that back so why keep trying, it's not fair to ourselves to keep putting ourselves through so much pain. It's like we feel if we just don't give up, if we keep pushing and trying then everything will fall into place. However, sometimes we can't even see that the other person has moved on, if thats the case, theres just no point whatsoever to keep going...We can't control other peoples feelings, this is life, so therefore we have to accept it and move on, no matter how hard it is, it's that much harder when we stay in the situation and not allow ourselves to heal. Because, that's all we really can do, allow ourselves to hurt, go through the pain and eventually given enough time depending on the person, we can move on, but you have to actually allow it to happen. Unfortunately, some people just don't see anything else, they allow themselves to continue to hurt and try to  make something once again that is just no longer there. I feel sorry for those people. I know, I was one of them myself. I know how hard it gets, sometimes you can be doing nothing and something random will trigger a memory and for a moment you feel sad, but you can't let that get to you, you've worked too hard to get where you are to let old feelings get in the way of your progress. Eventually you know you have completely forgotten them and moved on when you don't even remember how you used to feel, that, is very hard though, but I believe possible. Haha. Nothing should matter more than the moments you are living right now.

Wow that turned out a lot longer than I thought, being that, I want to touch on one more subject and will call it a night.

I know a lot of people who have siblings and some who just have that awesome relationship with one of their siblings for whatever reasons. I want to touch on the relationship I've had with my brother and what makes us so close. I'm talking about my brother Albert, good thing he doesn't read my blog, I don't want him to think he is special or something, haha, he is just another douche, but I heart the guy. We have been through a lot together and for the most part understand each other. Our personalities are so much alike and sometimes I can't help but just be on his side of things because we think alike [for the most part, of course there are many things we will disagree on]. We hate drama, we don't let petty things get to us, we are very go with the flow, can't really stay mad at anything for too long. We love to joke around and what not. I am talking about all this because sometimes I wish other people were like this as well Well, he has his ways, he can be very stubborn and hard headed, but for the most part how I described him is pretty good. We did so much together growing up and he was always there for me. I never really could make it without him and unfortunately at around the time I was 12 and he was 11 my mom moved him with his father, I don't even know how I survived without him. I didn't have my partner in crime anymore. I didn't have my buddy to do everything we did together. Sneaking out at six am to ride our bikes before our mom woke up. Setting fields on fire as I watched then ran away with him and his friends, then lie to my mom about where we had been. Sneaking out at night on the weekends to play with all our friends. I guess sadly, it goes to me not having anyone else as close to me as he was. He was always there to back me up and help me out, till this day it continues, I'm so close with him because we spent our lives building a pretty solid relationship. One in which I can't even find anywhere else. If I didn't have him around I think my childhood would have sucked that much more... I'm grateful everyday for a brother as great as him and for the wonderful niece and nephew he gave me, I would literally lose it if I didn't have them around. Oh yeah, Lady, you're cool too...lmao

Okay, Okay, one last thing!!! I just remembered...

Sometimes people seriously need to let go of some of their pride and get over things, stop holding on so much or always expecting to be right and get angry when you're not. Sometimes you just have to realize that the world is a crazy place, shit happens all the time. Who are we to try and control it. It's stupid to get mad or bitch about things so much, which I know many many people who are like this. They try so hard to keep up walls, even when sometimes they are not needed, it's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay to let yourself fall. It's all part of the learning experience. Stop worrying about your image and trying to seem like this tough being or whatever and realize you're going to end up very lonely if all you can do is throw everything in someones face. Sometimes its better to just let some things go and be happy. It would suck big time if I knew I was upset all the time and just not in a good mood, can you imagine? Too much wasted energy, life is just too short. Build happy memories, not ones where you're going to look back and think, "fuck I was always so miserable."

"The things that one most wants to do are the things that are probably most worth doing."

Just shut the fuck up already.

I'm usually the nice guy, or, well girl, anyway I always respect everyone the best I can, I hold my tongue on a lot of things, because I would rather just avoid conflict than make anyone upset. I don't like confrontation at all. I'm too passive at times, but I honestly don't have a problem with that. But when you push me too far, thats it, i'll change so quick and not that I want to be a dick to anyone, but I can't stand when someone gets up set for silly reasons. I can't stand when someone does something and thinks it's "alright", but when someone else does they throw the biggest fit ever. Grow the fuck up seriously, let some of your pride go and just learn to let shit go. I can't stand it either when things are blown out of proportion, or made into something bigger than needed, it just pisses me off. Like I can let this go too, but it just pisses me off how some people are. It's like get over yourself, you aren't perfect, don't expect anyone else to be either. Have some common sense fuck face. Ugh! I repeatedly let you hurt my feelings cause it's petty shit, I never say anything when I know you're being an asshole to me, cause I know I can take it. But this time it's just ridiculous, get the fuck over yourself. Please. You are always nose deep into everyones shit, start worrying about your own shit before you think you can tell someone else what the fuck is up. I'm not perfect, never will be, but i know whats what. Fuck you. 


Yes I will get over this, cause it's all fucking stupid. I'm just really pissed right now. 


"God places the heaviest burden on those who can carry its weight."

Only a thought.

It's insufficient to feel so full of doubt. It's common to feel so full of shit. Our eyes blinded by many inconsistencies, our souls filled with rage, rage pointed in all the wrong places. Pointless meanings mean nothing, head underwater and everything becomes so clear. Like spinning lights much becomes a blur so fast. Lose your sense of gravity as your face hits the floor, don't even blink. The second you let go, i'll runaway forever. What's left in this land but another failure, maybe down another bottle to realize you've hit rock...well, you get it. Sad sight when you know you're falling and theres no try in stopping. When will be the defining moment when you say, "fuck it"? When you realize it's time. Changing the world one second at a time, when will be your second?...Better yet, when will I start mine? Something I keep asking myself...

"Have the courage to live. Anyone can die."

Truth.

Sometimes when we are SO sure of something, we believe it with every inch of our being, we just know in our hearts, that indescribable feeling. Even though sometimes it does not carry out the way you felt, we can still move forward and look for a new beginning. No matter how much it hurts, trust that it will subside, we will, once again, be happy. Even if it means taking the alternate route our hearts desired.

"Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do."

Dreamin' a Revelry.

There is TONS on my mind and I don't even know where to start my blog tonight. IF I even write so much. I am just a wreck. I don't know where to begin to end. It's so crazy up there, but i'm starting to feel like i'm so screwed anyway that I shouldn't even care right now. Anyhow, lets hope for the best. That's all I really can do. Hoping to get to talk to someone real soon, someone pretty special ;]

“Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.”

To live, would be an awfully big adventure.

"I am an individual, however I can't define myself as one emotion, I'm versatile, I have many sides, and maybe not everyone gets to see them all, because I have my own "theory" of keeping atleast 40% to myself. Believe it or not, i can be very quiet and to myself, and I really enjoy those moments the most, because I get the opportunity to think and reflect, and that is because I am such a "deep thinker". With that said, I have many sides... I'm emotional, temperamental, happy, humorous, oversensitive, timid, defensive, sexual, and even unpredicatable, I am a naked woman, that IS vulnerable. We all have insecurities, more or less than others, but we all have them. A side of me, that i truly love, where I do feel completely free and most comfortable and beautiful, is within "my sexuality", where I like to be playful and be naughty. For whatever reason, a womans sexuality is often scrutinized. She's criticized and labeled for it, which I feel that "we are" made to believe that we should be frowned upon, and ashamed of ourselves. It's one thing to have men feel that they have over powered us, and that we are belittled, and we should keep our opinions and expressions to ourselves. However, I find it more offensive and degrading, when your own "kind" as sisters, as women, agree as well, that women should represent themselves in "one way", which I totally disagree, and I could never feed into that. It's not that im being rebellious or "going against the grain", I just stick strongly behind my freedom as a woman, and I always will. I'm sure after reading this, and seeing my "self expression photo album" people will probably label me from a freak to a feminist, but take it or leave it, I'm just me." -Tina Serrano.

My blog tonight will try to follow in her footsteps, adding my own opinion as well as commenting on hers. Tina, these flow of words were beautifully written by you and really caught my eye because I never took you for the passionate deep thinker type, this post showed me otherwise. I am glad we can share a connection in that sense. I as well as you am many things, no doubt about that, maybe more insecure than most, yet confident in my heart and my knowledge of following it. I agree that a woman should be free and express herself, more or less women have been doing so. Yes, they are still under scrutiny but not as before. However, I feel that sometimes as opposed to men, it's just not a womans place to talk about her sexuality or express the intimate things she does. Unlike a man who does this very freely. It is said that we as women have a reputation to keep, do we not? Maybe i'm just old fashioned, but I do believe these things are better left in privacy, of course shared when wanted, just not put on blast. I don't believe we are frowned upon or put out to made to feel belittled, however, I do understand there are still some people who feel the need for all of this. I think women are powerful beings, and we have definitely showed the world what we are made of in many ways, that goes without a doubt. We have came so far. So, no, I don't think its about us feeling insignificant, we ARE free. I've heard a lot of women say they like to have control in their everyday life, but when it comes to sexuality and being intimate, some do tend to like to be submissive. Letting the man initiate the first move in every sense, take control. Letting him be dominant in bed, yet not making her feel like she is being used. This is not including women who also like to be dominant in their sexual lives, obviously. I feel woman who do like submission in that sense are still powerful, still have control, still have their freedom and they know exactly how to handle it all. When it comes down to feeling like we are being scrutinized or belittled or whatever else, think about it, who's really doing it all? Men who want all control, men who are pigs and think they are king of all, men who don't respect women. It's the man in him, unfortunately he IS a man, seen as a protector, guardian, provider, etc. Not that a woman can't be all these things, and I am definitely not taking the guys side here, but when it comes down to it, who do women turn to when something is wrong? Unfortunately this card goes to the man, it's natural. However, this has the guy's heads in that mode only. Most guys have changed and have come to learn to respect a woman in every way possible, even her freedom to express herself in every way. Whereas, some men still think like they are cave men. It's wrong yes, but that is our world, there is no way around it. Every woman, man, child is different, kudos to those who know how to respect womens as well as mens personal choices and freedoms. So, I say to you Tina: MORE POWER TO YOU! haha, seriously, I am glad you feel so strongly about something and about your beliefs, If it matters to you, it matters to me. I just wanted to share my side as well. Please, please, please, do not take this post as me saying I only believe that men can do things or be in charge or be able to protect, provide, etc. This is NOT what I am saying, I am merely speaking out of my general opinion on the world as a whole. What I see around me from people. I know that women are as fully capable as men in many aspects. I would never for a second put a woman down in any way. I do see us as all equals. If I got more into this I'd be writing all night, so for now I will leave it here and end my thoughts now. =]

"It's the magic of risking everything for a dream that nobody see's but you."

On the way home, this car hears my confessions, i think tonight ill take the long way...

It's funny you know...What is? I'm sure you're asking by now...It's funny how we sometimes look at ourselves and think man i'm so fucked up, or shit, everything is so amazing right now, how could it possibly get any better? But who are we really? Who are we to say to ourselves we are this or that way? Is it true or are we really lying to ourselves? At the end of the day can you really ask yourself, "is there anything I regret not doing today?" and honestly give yourself an answer that won't make you feel bad? We're all dishonest people, we are and I can't name one person that I know who is perfect in any sense. We tell ourselves we will be better or if on the negative side that this will be the day we finish it. I guess sometimes a high can be killed and a downer can be brought back up? In any sense, I guess my point in all this is that at the end of the day can we truly look at ourselves and say we've been doing everything we can to be as good as we really should be, that "perfect" person in a not so perfect way...? I look at myself everyday and ask, "why?" I ask this because I am so unlike anyone else [no my head isn't in the clouds either] that I often wonder how I can be so "perfect" in a not so perfect way [this is only my opinion lol don't start hate comments saying I said i'm perfect, re read that shizz! lol, i know i'm not perfect though, far from it.], yet so fucked up at the same time. I love how I am, but at the same time often wish I was just like others. I've lead such a fucked up life at this point, it feels like I am just getting started and it sucks a lot. I can't even stress this enough. Sometimes it gets so hard that I want to give up on everything, but I know that I can't, I have to keep going, otherwise everything I've said and believed in would be a lie, go to waste, become meaningless to others...I can't let that happen, for I care way too much to let that happen. I get mad and i'm not the closest with my family, besides my niece and nephew [they show me so much love is ridiculous], but that does not mean I don't love and I would do anything to protect them if they were ever in trouble. I guess at the end of the day I am not fully happy with myself or my life at the moment, however, I know things will eventually get better if I keep working at it. That's all I CAN do for the moment, if I give up, well, I might as well cease to exist right?

“Don't wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.”

Kids strung out on home made speed.

People always surprise me. It's funny because in some way even though you think you know a person, it COULD turn out that you really don't. I guess it's all in what you want to believe and how much you really trust a person. People amaze me, the way they say they are and the way they really are. It is a never ending battle with people because sometimes it's hard to find the right ones to trust, especially if you've been let down so many times. You have to find it in you not to take out everyone else's mistakes on others. That itself can be a harsh deal. At the same time, were human, we make mistakes and can never be perfect.

Ideally we all want to be the perfect person. But there is so much attention to the people we are. Why? It's the basis of all relationships, we need to know who we are dealing with, paying attention to little details, observing how one acts in front of different crowds, it's generally something everyone worries about. They say you don't really know a person untill you get inside their head, how vulnerable do you have to be to be taken seriously? I suppose it really does come down to what you want to believe, the actions as well as the words, then you really know what you're dealing with. It makes sense, at least to me it does.

"If you hope for nothing, you will get nothing."

If I only could make a deal with God & get him to swap our places. Be running up that road, be running up that hill...

People never seem to surprise me...maybe just a little actually. I don't know though, I'm used to it though, fuck it.