In need of a constant.

What is constant anymore? Having a girlfriend or boyfriend for more than a year? Sticking with a job a few months before getting tired and quitting? What?! I'm stressing this because looking at the world around me, nothing...NOTHING is as it seems anymore. It seems like no one is in need of a constant, however, even though it seems that way, I know it is not true. Many if not everyone wants a constant, whether it be from love, life, family, work, school, determination, etc. etc. What we fail to realize is we put ourselves out of constants, we give up, we lose hope, we stop caring...Is this really what we want? I highly doubt it. Husbands cheating on wifes and vise versa, what happened to real love people? If you want out then get out, but don't be rude and cheat, and thats not even rude, thats just wrong. Have the BALLS or the vagina to fucking speak up and not hurt the person you claim to love, give them the respect to at least be up front with them...What is it with people cheating to get ahead in life, credit card scams, fraud, identity theft, come on people, as if we didn't have enough hate and problems in the world that we need to cheat our way in life, live up to your own shit and take care of your own life, don't steal from others who probably worked really hard for what they have, and here comes these people just taking it all away...and for what?! Some cheap thrills, come on, that's not right at all. When did people decide that they wanted to be so wrong? Anyway it just surprises me how some people have no shame. But thats them, if they want to live with no shame and no heart then so be it, but when it's time to face up to all this what will they say?! They didn't mean it, they're sorry? Ha, it's too late my friend. But these people I mean I talk in the sense that they don't want to or never will change. Anyway I am all over the place right now. Let me direct the topic back to love because thats just where I want to go haha. Love should always be a constant, I understand people fall out of love, or things just don't work out, it happens, life happens right...? I want to believe in love so much right now, because love above many other things should be the most constant, they say if nothing else love will carry you through, thats not necessarily true you know, it won't pay the bills or what have you. But, emotionally, physically, it should be it. It's amazing what a constant love can do for a person.

For myself at this point in time I have no constant in love, it has been a while actually and frankly I'm tired of not having it. I want it, it's complicated and I'm not the easiest person, but I believe there are people out there who want to be with me as much as me to them. Heh, hmm I like constants in that sense. I have problems just like everyone else, but I want to live my life without regrets as I've said in past posts. I think I am just ready to let go and see myself through. Whatever that means, I want a constant. Not only in love, but every aspect, but not to the point where it feels like I am not truly living, my life will always be crazy, that I cannot get away from. I don't want everything to be the same all the time, but I would like to know that I can be secure in my times of spontaneity. I want to be content in my life and be happy. My whole life as been filled with chaos and for once before my life is over, I want to put some of myself in it. I want to experience things, etc. If you know me, you know I kind of got a late start on my life, for many reasons...One being because of my childhood but lets not go back to that, I think I've talked about it too much before. I am probably not making sense, but oh well hahaha. It's my post, it made sense to me in my fucked up head! Haha...

"The only thing constant in life is change."

Perfect day to a perfect night.

Does the perfect day and night really exist? Does it? I was thinking about this all day, what would be a perfect day and night for me? [awesome topic idea goes to chris ;]

I get up super early to catch the sunrise, afterwards meet up with some friends, maybe some family, and have a good time with some drinking [alcoholic or non lol], fooding, laughing, just having a great time. Maybe take an adventure somewhere, a long car ride with someone, with no real direction. Hiking times maybe? Hhmm that would be great. Afterward going into the night, what would be perfect, hitting up a couple shows with friends, drinking would be nice haha...to me this WOULD be a perfect day, sounds fun, lots of things to do with friends/loved ones...But heres the reality and what separates what I just wrote to what I really mean and really expect would happen...I'd spend all day doing "nothing" special. I'd want to have someone with me, someone's company I enjoy and just watch movies or whatever. I have no real sense of a perfect day or night, to me the greatest times are just when i'm in the company of someone or anyone I enjoy. && in that sense perfection isn't something I would want anyway. i'm the type that it doesn't take much to impress me or whatever to have a good time, i'm very simple, very, and the smallest things mean the most to me.

I know this post didn't really say much but that's what it is haha. We all have that dream of what makes a perfect day, but the reality is that nothing is ever perfect and all we could ever hope for is just to be happy...

“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.”

With all the things that I forgot to say racing through my mind.

My title came from a city and colour [dallas green] song called body in a box. which brought up tonights blog, so here goes nothing.


Where do I want to be at before my death and what I would like to happen after my death? I guess I would hope to have lead a happy life, whether that be rich, poor, or anywhere in the middle, however, I am not concentrating on money right now. Before I die I hope to have achieved my purpose in life, everything I wanted to do in terms of being happy and the way I envisioned myself leading some sort of adventure, hopefully that makes sense. I wouldn't want any bad blood with anyone. I would hope that before I passed I got to see amazing places with people I love and adore the most in life. I would want to live out my life with no regrets and just know that I took chances, made mistakes and learned from them. I don't want to have to ask myself "what if" or anything of such after I have lived my life, I want to be old and be able to say, "let me tell you about the time I..." Those moments will define my life, my happiness will define my life, and every step along with way will help determine the next. Of course all this I say in terms of what I WANT to happen, I'm hoping it actually will, one can only hope, and what would we have if we didn't have hope? Not a whole lot I'd tell you that. Hope keeps us going, but this post isn't about hope. All I can really hope for in my life is that I lead a somewhat decent and humble one, one without regrets and one filled what more love than I could possibly handle. I just want to be happy, and at the very least content in that happiness. 


After I pass I wouldn't want people to be sad, I would want them to go on living of course. As far as how I would want to die, probably like most people, a painless one. Very old and in my sleep. But, however God chooses to take me is how I will go. In some way would want to be buried six feet under, for the simple fact that my loved ones would have a place to go and visit me and I would hope that I am loved enough to get semi-regular visitors to talk to me. Remember me and at times miss me because I meant a great deal to them. However, I would also want to be made into ashes and spread across some piece of land. Sort of like being set free. 


"One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it's worth watching."

For lack of a better title.

Tonight I had many topics I could have written about, instead, I turned toward myself. I have decided I wanted to get some shit off my chest for myself, to own up to things I haven't really wanted to in the past, but i'm here now so i'm just going to go for it...I'm scared a lot of the time, sometimes for no reason at all. Why you ask? Because I was traumatized as a child and now as an adult I just don't function right. I have a level head, common sense, a humble heart, addicting personality [lol], and always willing to help others when they can't help themselves, I can at least give myself all that, but none of that makes me a great person. Again, you may be asking yourself, why don't you think this doesn't make you great or in the least good...?...Because none of this matters, none of this truly matters to any of you people. You can say all you want that it does matter and how if you know me you know i'm a good person, but at the end of the day, it only matters to me. Why? [why am I always asking why? lol jk, but seriously...] because everything of what I do should matter to me, with me being scared and being afraid of facing myself and sometimes the world around me, it terrifies me to know i am where I am at this point in life. I guess in a sense I am afraid to see how great I can become. I'm afraid of failure, of what others think of me even when I shouldn't. I hold myself back because of what I've been through. I see it, I want it, I feel it, but no one truly knows what it's like, they don't, I couldn't expect them too, we all think differently and carry many different perspectives, they don't know what it's like to feel exactly what I feel. I'm not sitting here trying to make excuses or reasons to why I am how I am, if anything I am simply stating the obvious, or maybe not so obvious to myself. I want greatness, I really do, don't get me wrong, it's just, sometimes the mind can be a powerful tool. I need change, I want it, I welcome it. I guess in the end it's up to me to begin that change. Hopefully at this point for whoever is reading this post, isn't like wtf are you talking about?! haha.

Again, going back to my childhood, it wasn't great, but had I not lived it, I highly doubt i'd be who I am today. it in itself has taught me so much about the world around me. I think it's time for me to let that all go, but surely never forget. I need to move on, I've told myself this many times before, but I think now its really time. I've picked up so much and I think its time I stopped being so afraid of whatever it is I've been so afraid of and just become what God knows I can become. I can't live in fear anymore. Life isn't going to stop for me and I would never expect it to. I want to start making the most of my time. I have to promise myself, here and now. We will see, time will tell and my life can't lie.

"Our attitude toward life determines life's attitude towards us."

I could really use a wish right now...

We all could use wishes, we could all use a lot of things. But are wishes really what we think? Is it worth it to just receive something by wishing for it? Isn't life all about working for everything you've got? I'm sure all you rich people are like, "yeah maybe for you poor people". Haha, no but seriously, I think as a person [rich or poor or anywhere in between] anything that is achieved by working for it is much more appreciated than something just being handed to us, yes it's nice, but it would be nicer [at least in my opinion] if you felt that joy of knowing you worked hard to gain what you have. It feels that much better...IDK, maybe I'm just full of shit haha, but seriously, sometimes even though us poor people know what its like to work for every little thing we have, it's that much nicer to feel that sense of enjoyment, the building up to get what we wanted, the anticipation. I guess thats all I really have to say...This just came to me as I was sitting here online.

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”

I'm Tired...

Just tired...this reminds me of who I am and if I truly need change? Sometimes I say no, sometimes yes. But when I stop and remember who it is I really am, I have no real worries or doubts or regrets about myself. Life is about getting through it with confidence and even though sometimes we are faced with walls, we live to see that it was all meant to happen. It was all meant to challenge us to see how far we could go without giving up and when you ask yourself after your life if you ever gave up, if you can answer yourself without a doubt no, I guess thats winning...

It's all luck/coincidence/fate...or is it?

What does all this mean? ... Well, I know what they mean... I just meant, really? Is life really all about luck, coincidence, or fate? Sometimes I'd like to believe so, I guess it could be all three, or none at all. I guess it all depends on what you believe. For myself I'd like to believe that not everything is about luck, people can get lucky yes, but I don't actually believe in luck to a point where I'm left saying, "oh man, that was pure luck!" even in places where you gamble, honestly, I don't believe you win off of luck, its all about being at the right machine at the right time, those things are made to take you up and then make you lose, and every couple dozen people will actually win. Even playing the right hand, I'm sure any poker player at a table will have his share of "luck", but, at the same time I'm sure they will more than likely say they played their hand smart or knew how to bluff their way through, being that as it may, you can say or think what you'd like. Luck is nothing more than something being a coincidence. Coincidence is just an off chance you didn't expect and in the same sense maybe its the same as luck? I hate how people say "oh what a coincidence I see you here!" its like, yeah big surprise that I might actually be at a grocery store shopping for food, cause I live off of my filth. People have busy lives, they don't always pay attention to who they know and might see out while they're running errands in their everyday life. No one cares to see someone else out of school/work/whatever, big surprise, yes we all have lives. Coincidence is logical, of course at one point or another you will end up finding something you had been looking for, but not in the place you ignored before, or finally seeing someone you know, but never seeing them outside of work or school or wherever. Now, we end up at fate. Fate I guess to a point I believe in the most. Fate is meant to happen, fate is inevitable. If it's meant to happen it will...I believe with fate, you can also follow it with hope and faith, only because even though something is meant to happen or if its fate, doesn't mean a person always believes it or expects it, however, if they never lose hope and allow faith to carry them through they will see that things can happen and not all is lost. Never give up, never lose hope, never lose faith, without these things, what more would we have? What else could carry us? We strive for the best, sometimes we don't always get the best, but going for it will get us a long way in the end. This is just me and my opinions, they are neither right nor wrong. What do you make of it all? 


"What a man thinks of himself, that it is which determines, or rather indicates, his fate."

What does it mean to be "rich"? and in the same sense, "poor"?

I have been thinking about this a lot lately, a LOT...Growing up "poor" wasn't always the greatest, or always the best for me personally, however, there were moments I had with my brother[s] where I felt the richest. I was poor in the sense that my mother worked paycheck to paycheck and could hardly afford to buy me and my siblings basically anything. We ate top ramen and bologna sandwiches day in and day out. It was the biggest treat if we got any kind of meat to eat like steak or hamburgers. We had hand-me-down clothes, shoes, toys, basically everything. We never once complained or cried over anything we received, instead, we appreciated everything we got and never questioned our mother on why we could never have new things besides once a year for the new school year and even then it was only one pair of shoes and one or two pairs of clothes. I believe we felt rich because the moments when we were able to get away from the cleaning, laundry, and any other chores our mother had us do were the moments we felt alive, literally. My brother and I were wild, crazy, and often times rambunctious kids. We LOVED being outside, we loved getting dirty, exploring, and just experiencing the world, we really had no care in the world when we were out! We had the most amazing times, and those are the moments I cherish the most about my childhood. We may have been poor in money, but we were rich in memories and to me thats all that matters. Even though I tend to look back and hate my childhood for being robbed of so much of it, there are those moments I can remember that also make me glad I experienced what I did, had it been any different, I wouldn't have done and seen all I did, good and bad...


Forward years later, I'm an adult, so what do I think of all of this rich and poor stuff now. In a sense I still am poor, I don't have money flowing in or anything that that, I don't have the fanciest clothes or anything I want to show off. But, I'm not poor where I'm on the streets or anything. Even if I was rich, I know money couldn't give me what I truly want, it can't give me friendship or an ear to listen to or even a shoulder to cry on, not even a joyous jump at something exciting. If I was rich I would want to spend it all on my family and friends, having good times, blowing it all on good, fun things to enjoy with them. If I had a lot of materials I wouldn't be happy unless I got to share them with loved ones. Greedy, selfish, ignorant people are the real poor people. They lack the richness in life, which is being happy, giving to others, loving your family and friends, and not being truly happy. So yeah I'd rather be poor and happy, than have everything in the world and be miserable, yeah it's said a lot, but I really mean it. Screw it. 


"There are people so poor that the only thing they have is money."

Hello, I'm in Delaware.

Listening to City and Colour.

We have to keep kicking...No matter what we can't give up. Sometimes we break though. When is enough really enough? When is it time to really tap out and say: "okay you broke me! is this what you wanted?!" I guess we hold on for as long as we can and when that time comes we we truly feel we must let go and let the pieces fall where they may, maybe thats exactly what needs to be done. They say everything happens for a reason correct? I'm assuming this is pretty true. We cannot always explain what those reasons are and other times they are clear as day. I don't know, I guess my point in this post is that sometimes, even though we know we should keep going and never give up and feel defeated, there are just those occasions where we know we have had our limit and all we can do is tap out and take the loss. Live and learn from our mistakes right? Grow and learn from it. Our lives are laid out with constant endeavors, but all we can do is keep living, keep moving, keep kicking...Even if it means tapping out of one thing and into the next. Our journey through life is never ending.

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."

Realize

I wrote a similar post not that long ago, but I wanted to do it again, but this time specify it on love, and use myself as an example...Going through some emails, I realized many, many things. First big one was that me being in love, made me into the biggest pussy, annoying, whiny, blinded by everything else kind of fool! However, don't get me wrong, I am not bashing on love in any way, I'm just saying sometimes when things are clearly over, don't try to drag it on and beg for your partner to take you back, when clearly they've moved on. So anyway I was going through these emails and let me tell you people, reading these again after so long, mad me upset. Why? you ask, because I felt embarrassed for myself. It was really sad. I was in a place where nothing mattered to me and I was clearly doing anything to get my ex back. Sadly I looked like a fool. I kept saying things like "I love you, I miss you, and I want you back" and that more than anything made me feel sorry for myself, I was not even loving myself at the time, so why would I care so much to tell my ex these things? Obviously I was single for a reason right? I was using my ex as a crutch, I was, I didn't want to believe it but i was. because i felt that i couldn't live without this person, i was sorely mistaken. But i was caught up and looking back on a lot of the shit i said, i just kept thinking, "what the fuck was i thinking!" i seemed so foolish!!!! but thats what happens when youre in love right?! I will say this tho, i WAS in love and i always meant it, even if i was a fool saying it for so long even afterward when i shouldn't have. i guess that was my mistake, was falling soooo hard, and feeling like i never wanted to give up even when i knew i had to. anyway back to the point. i was really immature, and im seeing that now, it was dumb, the things i said, the shit i did, it was uncalled for. but i guess people tend to do shit like that when they're in love, or at least perceive to be. So what i keep asking  myself is was that really the one? i can say yes over and over, and still try to convince myself it was, but fact of the matter is its over, it has been for a long while, and since the last year passing ive realized that to the fullest. its still hard for me i wont even lie. but im just afraid of being hurt again. i know im ready again, but it cant just be anyone, i want all those feelings again, i have to feel like i want to really want to be with the person enough to give them everything i have, its only fair. so it may not have been the real one, or the one i was destined for even though i thought it was, but it definitely was a one, it was an experience, and a part of my journey in life, and i dont regret it for a second, even if i did come to realize that i was a big fool towards the end, at least i can really own up to it now. i guess another thing i saw was that no matter how much you want to set in stone that something is so real, and pure...the truth is you just dont know, you cant know, nothing is ever promised, no matter how many pinky swears you go through. LIFE HAPPENS. you just gotta keep rollin' with the punches. Everything thats meant to happen will happen.


"Intellectual grown should commence at birth and cease only at death."

I can't say I didn't try...

I've tried, I really have. I gave you more than enough chances and everything, but ahh! nothing. It's okay though. I know what I have to do.

p.s. I am talking about myself here. none of you crazies think this is about you! haha