For lack of a better title.

Tonight I had many topics I could have written about, instead, I turned toward myself. I have decided I wanted to get some shit off my chest for myself, to own up to things I haven't really wanted to in the past, but i'm here now so i'm just going to go for it...I'm scared a lot of the time, sometimes for no reason at all. Why you ask? Because I was traumatized as a child and now as an adult I just don't function right. I have a level head, common sense, a humble heart, addicting personality [lol], and always willing to help others when they can't help themselves, I can at least give myself all that, but none of that makes me a great person. Again, you may be asking yourself, why don't you think this doesn't make you great or in the least good...?...Because none of this matters, none of this truly matters to any of you people. You can say all you want that it does matter and how if you know me you know i'm a good person, but at the end of the day, it only matters to me. Why? [why am I always asking why? lol jk, but seriously...] because everything of what I do should matter to me, with me being scared and being afraid of facing myself and sometimes the world around me, it terrifies me to know i am where I am at this point in life. I guess in a sense I am afraid to see how great I can become. I'm afraid of failure, of what others think of me even when I shouldn't. I hold myself back because of what I've been through. I see it, I want it, I feel it, but no one truly knows what it's like, they don't, I couldn't expect them too, we all think differently and carry many different perspectives, they don't know what it's like to feel exactly what I feel. I'm not sitting here trying to make excuses or reasons to why I am how I am, if anything I am simply stating the obvious, or maybe not so obvious to myself. I want greatness, I really do, don't get me wrong, it's just, sometimes the mind can be a powerful tool. I need change, I want it, I welcome it. I guess in the end it's up to me to begin that change. Hopefully at this point for whoever is reading this post, isn't like wtf are you talking about?! haha.

Again, going back to my childhood, it wasn't great, but had I not lived it, I highly doubt i'd be who I am today. it in itself has taught me so much about the world around me. I think it's time for me to let that all go, but surely never forget. I need to move on, I've told myself this many times before, but I think now its really time. I've picked up so much and I think its time I stopped being so afraid of whatever it is I've been so afraid of and just become what God knows I can become. I can't live in fear anymore. Life isn't going to stop for me and I would never expect it to. I want to start making the most of my time. I have to promise myself, here and now. We will see, time will tell and my life can't lie.

"Our attitude toward life determines life's attitude towards us."