Realize

I wrote a similar post not that long ago, but I wanted to do it again, but this time specify it on love, and use myself as an example...Going through some emails, I realized many, many things. First big one was that me being in love, made me into the biggest pussy, annoying, whiny, blinded by everything else kind of fool! However, don't get me wrong, I am not bashing on love in any way, I'm just saying sometimes when things are clearly over, don't try to drag it on and beg for your partner to take you back, when clearly they've moved on. So anyway I was going through these emails and let me tell you people, reading these again after so long, mad me upset. Why? you ask, because I felt embarrassed for myself. It was really sad. I was in a place where nothing mattered to me and I was clearly doing anything to get my ex back. Sadly I looked like a fool. I kept saying things like "I love you, I miss you, and I want you back" and that more than anything made me feel sorry for myself, I was not even loving myself at the time, so why would I care so much to tell my ex these things? Obviously I was single for a reason right? I was using my ex as a crutch, I was, I didn't want to believe it but i was. because i felt that i couldn't live without this person, i was sorely mistaken. But i was caught up and looking back on a lot of the shit i said, i just kept thinking, "what the fuck was i thinking!" i seemed so foolish!!!! but thats what happens when youre in love right?! I will say this tho, i WAS in love and i always meant it, even if i was a fool saying it for so long even afterward when i shouldn't have. i guess that was my mistake, was falling soooo hard, and feeling like i never wanted to give up even when i knew i had to. anyway back to the point. i was really immature, and im seeing that now, it was dumb, the things i said, the shit i did, it was uncalled for. but i guess people tend to do shit like that when they're in love, or at least perceive to be. So what i keep asking  myself is was that really the one? i can say yes over and over, and still try to convince myself it was, but fact of the matter is its over, it has been for a long while, and since the last year passing ive realized that to the fullest. its still hard for me i wont even lie. but im just afraid of being hurt again. i know im ready again, but it cant just be anyone, i want all those feelings again, i have to feel like i want to really want to be with the person enough to give them everything i have, its only fair. so it may not have been the real one, or the one i was destined for even though i thought it was, but it definitely was a one, it was an experience, and a part of my journey in life, and i dont regret it for a second, even if i did come to realize that i was a big fool towards the end, at least i can really own up to it now. i guess another thing i saw was that no matter how much you want to set in stone that something is so real, and pure...the truth is you just dont know, you cant know, nothing is ever promised, no matter how many pinky swears you go through. LIFE HAPPENS. you just gotta keep rollin' with the punches. Everything thats meant to happen will happen.


"Intellectual grown should commence at birth and cease only at death."