we had a long ride and at times id like to think it isnt really over, but i know it is. i am really shitty in many ways, ive been left to hurt and feel nothing but pain from everything that went on. you were right, its too soon, way too soon and in many instances the more i try to push my recovery to be faster the worse it becomes, so i wont be doing that anymore. i learned my lesson, i truly did. at times i hate you so much, so much that i feel if i ever saw you again id slap you right in your face for all the bullshit you allowed to go on and you know exactly what im talking about. however, i cant stay mad at the things i cannot control, or have no power over. i was here, i was always here till the very end. i was willing to give up everything for you and do whatever it took to make everything ok, to make everything work, no matter how bad it seemed, but in the end i guess that just wasnt good enough. you found someone 'better' and you went with it, it seemed like it didnt matter at all what feelings you had for me, you just brushed them aside and went with what was new and exciting, do you know how shitty that made me feel? how horrible it made you seem? love is very hard to come by and honestly, i gave you everything i had and more, i always said you werent ready for it or that no one could ever possibly love you as much as i did, sadly i still believe it. i hurt every day, and i dont want to admit it, but i still think about you every day, i hope that you are truly happy and that you are doing well for yourself, but i also hope that in some way you are suffering or at least did suffer the way i did, i know thats mean, but its what i think. ive gave up on so much since i lost you, i stopped caring, i gave up on love for the moment, i dont want it and i couldnt possibly think i would be in love again for a long time. my wounds are fresh and each day i am slowly recovering from them. i wish things could have played out differently, i wish we didnt break up, i wish a lot of things. sometimes i dont think you realize how much you hurt me, how broken i am right now. sadly enough if i had another chance id do it all over again because you meant everything to me, u were worth it. i feel like you are the one person who will always be my one person that no matter what, a piece of my heart will always belong to you. and i cant help but to have all this love for you. but at the same time i know thats really dumb of me to be saying, i know my feelings are still coming down off of your high. i hate you so much i cant express how much hate i have, but at the same time i dont know how to feel. if nothing else i just want my heartache to subside already, i know it takes time, and thats what im allowing, just for time to pass and let me move on. i know i did a lot of stupid shit after we broke up, all the trouble i might have caused or whatever, but it was what it was. but i think the saddest part is all that bullshit you pulled and you know exactly what i am talking about, i just wish you had the balls to at least speak for yourself. i think you at least owed me that. for now im just living my life moving on, slowly letting go of all that was me and you. i cant say anymore that i would like to be ur friend, because in a lot of ways i know that ship has sailed and im fine with that. i dont regret anything at all. i hope you have a good life, thats all i can wish you for now.
"I've learned never to be surprised if what must inevitably happen happens right now."
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